Mustard Seed Faith

Today has been hard...and I can vent here, right? No one reads this blog anymore anyway....I'm just going to vent.... I absolutely love and adore my son! I honestly never knew I could love one person so much. It's weird...with his birthday coming up, in just 15 days, I've been doing lots of preparation for his party and just a lot of thinking about him and his life.

Well today my Dad called and says, "Danielle, I'm thinking I shouldn't come up for his party, I'll just come to his party here in MO. (he already told me he'd come up for this one in IL, it's the BIG party, plus he's only been here once, a week after layton was born.) So he asked what I thought and I told him it's not my decision and just to make up his mind and do it....that's when the tears began to fall. i SOOo badly wanted my Dad and stepmom and brothers to be here for this...not just for the party but to see my life up here. To see Layton's room, to see Layton play in his OWN house. I ended up just getting off the phone quickly...my Dad isn't good with crying and by this time it was very evident I was crying and I just couldn't talk. I got off the phone with him and just sobbed....layton of course runs over to me and laughs..he ALWAYS laughs when I'm crying...funny i guess. ;) I just snuggled him up and held him as tight as I could.

that's when my brain got me into trouble.......i started thinking....WHY CANT MY MOM BE HERE? She would have been the BEST grandma. Even when I was 16 she talked to me about having my own kids and how much she looked forward to grandchildren. She talked about helping me homeschool them and just doing stuff with them. She would LOVE Layton...I know it...She loved babies anyway, but Layton...oh boy, he would steal her heart. ;(

His others grandmas are wonderful and they love him, so this is not a downing session on them, it's just that both Angie and Aarons Mom, Lonna, have little kids. They both have 4 year olds and don't seem "ready" to be Grandma's since they are raising their own kids. (that sounds mean, but my heart isn't to be mean here) Grandparents just seem like they are supposed to be old...my Mom would have been older, no kids, she would have had so much time to devote to him. ;( I want that....i want that so bad!

My Dad has no idea how badly he has hurt me and I can't tell him....I never feel like he "loves" layton...I hate that...I want him to have a grandpa on my side that enjoys being with him so much....I want so much for him and I feel like I'm failing in that area because I cant give him grandparents that have lots of time for him...I wish though. I wish so badly.

No one will know this hurt...I'll wipe the tears and go to bed and act like I never wrote this even though inside part of me is still aching. I hurt.....so much! It's like the bandaids i keep putting over my wounds keep falling off and the pain overwhelms me over and over again. Jesus, PLEASE heal my heart. Take my pain. And THANK YOU, for my son. I lOVE HIM!

I am so very sorry that I have neglected this blog....life just has become SO busy and without having internet always connected at home it's hard to just sit home and blog. If it was easy to do from my phone, I'd blog all the time! :) So hopefully this will catch everyone up on my life for the past 5 months! :)

I am soooo incredibly blessed to announce that I gave birth to our SON, Layton, on August 3rd. First I have to say, he is the most amazing baby and I could never have dreamed of a better son! I'm not just saying this either....I love him more than I ever thought I could possibly love...it's amazing the LOVE God gives you for your child...!!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!

SOOO..... by the middle to end of July I was pretty regularly having contractions and thinking it was the real thing. They would hurt, last a long time, but sadly after like 7 hours they would fizzle out...I felt like I would NEVER go into REAL labor.... My best friend Bethany drove up with her brother from OK as soon as we were sure it was getting close to that time...wont get too graphic there, but we WERE sure it'd be within a week or so! :) So I had a great time spending my last few pregnant days with her just walking the mall or doing whatever I could to bring on labor! :) On August, 2nd my husband took me out on a little date night, I think to get my mind off trying to get our baby to come! :) We went out for a nice dinner and then he gave me a Willow Tree he had bought of a husband and wife holding their baby...oh how I longed that could be us soon!!! Little did I know it'd be VERY soon! :) Around 11:45 that night contractions started....I knew they weren't real because everyone had told me...oh when it's the real thing, they wont hurt and they'll be 20 minutes apart....well mine were 5 min. apart and painful! SO I got in the tub thinking they would eventually stop. Around 12:15 I got out and told Aaron I was just in so much pain! He was actually a little upset because he said he needed sleep for the next day of work, it was a big day! LOL I told him I'd just go in the babys room then, because I couldn't lay down...so I went in there and sat for like a minute and came back to him saying how bad I hurt! :) So we got out my phone and started timing the contractions...they were 2-3 min. apart and stronger each time....oh boy did they hurt! I remember Aaron saying to me, "Think it's the real thing??" Then I thought no way! How could they possibly be real if they started so strong and close! So we called the doula, Noel, to just see what she thought. Of course....no answer, it WAS in the middle of the night....so I told Aaron I'd be fine....well that lasted 2 minutes...by then I was telling him to call the midwife! Still all at this time I was thinking they were fake but I just didn't know what to do, I was hurting so bad. So he called the midwife and guess what! No answer! :) Well this particular night we had Bethany's brother staying at our house so my next concern was him....I told Aaron to call his parents and have them come get him! :) Our room is very cramped and it just wasn't going so well pacing back and forth in there and I didn't want to go in the living room by him. Soo...they ANSWERED! and came right away! By this time Aaron knew it was the real thing but I still doubted. When Aaron's Mom came she assured Aaron it was real as well. By this time we had gotten ahold of both the midwife and Noel, and they were both on their way.

When the midwife came they asked what my pain level was and then pretty soon after had me start pushing. They filled up the pool for me in our living room so I could get in there to push. Oh that water felt SOOO good!!! Aaron's Mom was wonderful refilling it everytime with hot water for me. By this time my sisters had been called as well and were on their way and my friend Danyelle was coming to take pictures. We were going to have quite the housefull. :) Seeing that my contractions were coming on so quick I thought for sure my sisters would miss the birth, but I didn't care then, I just wanted that baby out. :)

Okay, I really need to condense this story, otherwise it'd be a book! :) I'll leave out a lot of in between stuff....after MANY hours of pain and pushing and jumping in and out of the pool, the decision was made to go to the hospital. My water had been broken for awhile now, I had pushed over 5 hours and I felt like dying. I had absolutely no energy, I couldn't eat or drink, had thrown up everything that was already in me and just was physically worn out. My sisters had made it by this time with hours to spare. Who knew it would take so long!

I need to say first, I was TOTALLY against a hospital birth....there was absolutely NO WAY I'd have my baby in the hospital, I was terrified of the idea even. Aaron and I had discussed it while I was pregnant and I just really wanted a water birth at home. But we prayed anyway saying, "Lord, we want this baby to be born where YOU would have..." We knew that if planned a home birth and He wanted us at a hospital He would make it happen. And He did...I was still SO against it though, so Aaron carried me to the car and his Mom drove us, Bethany and Aaron were in back and my sisters drove seperate. We raced to the hospital but I still continued to push in the car because I thought it'd be better to be born there than in that hospital! Man, was I stubborn!!

All I remember was getting to the ER and I was screaming and then wheeled me as fast as they could up to L&D and got me on the bed fast. It all went SO fast from there....20 minutes later, with the help of the doctor, my SON was born!! Here was my first reactions "A BOY??!?!? Look at his poor head! :( Aaron, look at his ears!! :( He is SO big, he's got to weigh 10 lbs!" It wasn't exactly the loving motherly response....He had been in the birthing canal SO long that his poor head was very coned shape and his ear was folded over and like stuck and they were HAIRY!!!! He didn't have hair on his back or anything just on his had and EARS! LOL The Dr. said not to worry it'd fall off, but let me tell you, it's still there!!! LOL I love it though! :)

After he was born I was still SO exhausted, the Dr. gave me a shot of pitocin to because he said my uterus was like flattened from pushing for sooo long, they had to start contractions back up to deliver the placenta. I was scared about all of that but it was a breeze! :) So after washing him off and weighing him they brought my son back to me. We named him Layton Russell, his middle name after Aaron's grandpa who he was VERY close to! A man I really wish I could have met! Layton weighed 8.1 and was 20 in. long.. not so big after all! I was counting on having a 10 lb baby! He looked IDENTICAL to his daddy when he was born!

Layton was born on a Wednesday and by Saturday we finally got to go home...it was one thing after another, but by Saturday we brought our healthy baby boy home. He had become very jaundice and we had to stay longer to have him under lights. That was soo hard for me, seeing him strapped into this little bed thing....I cried and cried.. :(

Saturday was wonderful though, our little family was FINALLY going home!!!! Layton had dropped to 7.11 I think when we left on Sat. so Monday they sent a home nurse to check on his counts and weigh him and stuff...she told us, don't be scared if he's lost weight, baby's usually take 2 weeks to regain birth weight....well not our little chunker! He was at 8.6 already!!! Then at his one week appt. he was at 8.12!!! He was growing SOOOO fast!

Okay so now I have to say this.... I'm really thankful that God had Layton born where HE wanted....I needed that! My fear wasn't right and my experience with a hospital birth was absolutely wonderful!! They all were SO nice and respectful of our wishes with vaccinating and different things. If anything, I'm scared of a home birth now. lol There are reasons why my home birth didn't go so well, I wont go into those here, but there were things that probably should have been done that weren't and they would have helped a lot! The Dr. did them once I got to the hospital and Layton was born right away. Anyway....all this to say, I loved my hospital birth and I'm glad that God is concerned with the little details in life!

No one warned me about this overwhelming joy that comes after having a baby....I didn't know that this love was even possible. I love my Mom, and I love my husband...a LOT, don't get me wrong, but there is something about having your own child....it seems like the first week everytime I'd rock him or nurse him I'd be crying tears of joy, soo thankful that God had given him to me. I wasn't prepared to love my child so much...that sounds silly I know, but seriously it is hands down THE.MOST.AMAZING.THING ever!!!!! Aaron and I could not be happier!!

So now 16 weeks later I am even more in love and have the most wonderful son in the world!! He is growing up too fast and is learning SO much!! He tries all the time to sit up on his own and can do it if I sit him up...he scoots everywhere on his back and just about roll over!!! Did I mention he isn't even 4 months yet!! ;) He smiles ALL the time and is starting to really giggle a lot too!!

The last two days he has seemed to just REALLY grow up, I can't exactly even pin point what it is, but he seems so much older to us.... he was so sweet yesterday we BOTH took a nap and we were laying in my bed and I was HOPING to stay asleep an hour or so, but no, my son wanted a little cat nap, so he woke me up not by squirming around or whining but by sticking his fingers in.my.mouth!!! LOL I opened my eyes to find him all smiley and bright eyed!! It was just so cute!!

Alright, I better get going, he is napping now and I have other things I need to get done! Trying to get my house very clean today so I can decorate for C.H.R.I.S.T.M.A.S. on Friday!! :) I've been waiting SOO long to do it! :) Knew I couldn't before thanksgiving! :)

Hope I didn't bore you all with my birth story, but I had to at least announce that he IS here!! And he's NOT a girl!! LOL Oh, and I have to say...I think I'll take all sons! I LOVE having a little BOY!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!