song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-n9rRCWFfE

Click on this link to hear my friend Mandy, sing a song I wrote about my Mom...My Only Prayer! There are also photos of my Mom when she was sick, and some when she wasn't...

Mandy's 17th Birthday!

Mandy….just 5 little letters, but they mean so much to me. Not only is Mandy a great sister, but she is my best friend! I have had the privileged to watch her grow into such a beautiful woman of God. I am very blessed to have her!Since it is Mandy’s birthday, I’ll talk a little bit about her…Mandy has always been the clown in our family. Whenever you are sad, or angry, she brings you right out of that mood, unless of course, she put you in that mood! ☺ Some things that Mandy will say to me, to get me out of my mood would be, “BJ, BJ, where are you?” and “Don’t tell me, tell the judge!” I’m not sure how she came up with the judge one, but it’s so funny to me, so she knows she can get me to laugh. She also loves to play jokes, and she is good at it. I can’t tell you how many times she has played tricks on me and I’ve believed them…Mandy, does Israel S. ring a bell??? Or Jehred Clott???? These are just a few of her jokes. She also comes up with the weirdest nicknames…boot, dan clott, dean, mandooshka, the terror, ah…there’s more. ☺Mandy is also one of the most talented people I know…anything she tries, she can do. I have to work at what I’m good at, but Mandy can just sit down to a piano and play, or pick up the mandolin and play. Or she’ll decide that she wants to draw, she gets her pad of paper, and ends up with a portrait of someone…God has truly blessed her with so many talents.

(best friends)

Out of all these things though, what impresses me most about Mandy is her relationship with Jesus. In the last 3 months, I’ve seen her grow tremendously. I’ll share one particular story that she shared with me. First you will have to know, that both Mandy and I struggle so much with the song, It Is Well With My Soul, so on Sunday’s when it’s sung, we usually just leave or, I’ll close my eyes and cry. But while I was gone, Mandy and David went to a singing, and guess what? Someone requested that song…Mandy told me that it was great for her, because it was late and when the song came on, she got up and went outside. She said being out there and crying out to the Lord was neat. She knows why we still have to hear that song, because it’s a reminder who to turn to. It amazed me when Mandy told me that story, she didn’t use to share things like that with me.

I guess to sum all this up, all I can say is that Mandy is an amazing person! I’m so glad that she is my sister, and my friend. I hope you all can get to know Mandy the way I do.

Happy Birthday Mandy! I love you!

Danielle

It's Hard!

It's incredible to me how some day are just so easy and others seem impossible to get through...I wonder why this is. Some say, the pain goes away, and others say the pain never goes away. Some say if I was closer to the Lord it would go away. What is it? Why do I hurt all the time? Why isn't this pain leaving? It's been 3 months and I would have thought the pain would have lessened. No one knows what really is going on with me. I wear a smile all the time, well most of the time, but inside I'm crying wanting her back, just to be with her, to tell her things, to love her. I can't though, she isn't coming back....I realize I will see my Mom again, but I wonder how long? If I miss her this much after 3 months, how will 3 years be? I've never loved anyone as much as I love her, so to have her just taken from me is horrible.

Lately, it seems that most people that were in my life have been taken away. I'm not sure why or for what reason, but close friends and some family have just kind of gone away. But what has become stronger is the relationship between my sisters and I. I was riding in the car with Tara yesterday and it was quite a long drive so we had tons of time to talk about Mom...everytime I'm with her she wants to talk about her, it's not easy for me all the time. So yesterday, Tara asked me why God would take Mom...it was so hard because I didn't know the reason. I told Tara that God has a plan and that we will one day see good come from this, but at the moment it's hard...I'm telling her this with tears running down my face wondering myself, why Mom??? But I can't...I have seen good already and I told Tara that...my Dad now has Jesus in his heart and will also see my Mom again. I just pray that Tara will also change her life and will be able to see my Mom again. Being a christian we have some hope when a brother or sister in Christ dies because we know we will see them, but I can't imagine going through something like this without Him...there would be no hope. The Lord is working on Tara's heart though.

Jesus told us that he will never leave us or forsake us...that is so comforting to know, because, as I have experienced, friends will leave, family goes, but God is forever! No losing him! I want to hold on to that, because in a world today where everything is temporary, I get so discouraged. God is good!

"Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not grow tired, they will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:31

Not Winter Forever....

This post is long overdue. Since my Mom passed away I really haven't blogged so much, I've stopped almost all of my writing.

Right after my Mom died, someone had mentioned to me that it wont stay tough forever...it will get easier. And then while we were in Kentucky, one day I was struggling so much and David made a comment to me saying, "Danielle, it wont be winter forever, spring is coming!" That statement means so much to me. Then a day later, Hannah, a friend of mine, made the same comment, without knowing David said it. It really surprised me. One main reason this means so much to me is because of the Walton episode that I've talked so much about. I'll go over it again, just a little. In the episode, the Mom gets polio and isn't able to walk, of course during the winter, all she wants to do is walk again...she tries and tries but it doesn't work. Then some ladies from the church make her a quilt all with personalized blocks with messages on it. That's what gave me the idea to make the quilt for my Mom. Now back to winter... :) In the episode, the little kids planted crocuses, I'm guessing it was the Mom's favorite flower and the morning that the Mom was able to stand up and walk, she glanced out her window and saw the flowers bloomed, which gave them hope, knowing Winter isn't forever and spring was right there! I hope this is all making since.

Well, a few weeks ago our flowers bloomed. And right outside the kitchen window we have crocuses that my Mom planted. Everytime I look at them I think of her and the movie. It's amazing to me to see how God has worked in our lives since my Mom passed away. And how true it is that spring is coming, actually already here! :) God has been faithful to answer the prayers that people prayed for us to stay busy and we are finding opportunities to do things that we haven't done before.

__________________________________________________________________

Since my Mom passed away, I have started babysitting. Her name is Audrey and she is 2 1/2! What fun! At first it was very difficult, because at home there are no rules and here there are. It's hard for a child when the standard constantly changes. She is doing much better now though. Today was a nice day, so Mandy C. and I took her outside to play with bubbles. Actually we blew them and she chased them! I'll have her two more times this week and then Mandy has her all next week, since I'll be in California. I'm planning on blogging while I'm there, so hopefully it will work!
Isn't she cute??? :)

HIS way is best!

I was going to share this on Sunday at church but the opportunity didn't exactly come up, so I figured I would post it instead.

About a week or so ago, I was vacuuming my room, it was a mess since I had been stripping wallpaper. Anyway, as I was vacuuming there was lots of paper stuck to the floor and I needed to get it up. It sounds silly, but I simply asked God, "Please Lord, help me get this up...I need it all up!" Then only a few seconds later, I noticed that the thing I wanted to suck up in the vacuum had something sharp besides it that I shouldn't have vacuumed up. So, although I prayed to God that I would get this pile up, he knew what was better. He knew I didn't want to get it all up.



I wonder if this is how it is with my Mom's death. I prayed so much for my Mom to be healed, with more faith than ever. It seemed right for her to be here with me...more time on this earth. But maybe the Lord knows that it's not best...like the sharp object...My Mom needed to go to heaven and eventually I will understand. With my first story it was so easy to understand that and see it, but with my Mom it isn't. And probably for all of you, it seems easy, your thinking..."How could she not see that it's for the good." And yes, I know it is, because he tells us in Romans that all things work together for the good for those who love him and are called according to His purpose...so, I do know this, but understanding is something entirely different.

I'm sorry if I bored you with my little story...and I know the first incident sounds so minor, but it had to happen, so God could show me. I need to trust him no matter what. If I pray for something and it doesn't happen my way, there is a reason, He has a better way!

How well do you know me...another quiz!

http://www.quizyourfriends.com/quizpage.php?quizname=070303174922-563440&

Take it so I can see your results! :)
-Danielle

SO YOU ALL KNOW...THE REASON MY PICTURE IS POSTED HERE IS BECAUSE I HAVE TO HAVE IT POSTED ON MY BLOG TO USE IT AS A PROFILE PIC...I DONT JUST LIKE POSTING MY PIC.... :)

Quick Post!

A friend helped me last week realize something that I was really not noticing. Since the death of my Mom, I've pretty much been un-steady. I haven't really been content with my life where it is now, I've thought of marriage, college, anything actually. Or I've thought to be with friends would help my problems, but it doesn't. The time is going to come when I have to come home and then return to normal life. My Mom was my anchor. She pretty much kept me grounded and focused. She was the one stable thing in my life. And now, she is gone...With help though, I've realized that I need Jesus as my anchor! He is immovable, and with him as my anchor, I can't be swayed. I'm working now to keep him number one in my life. If I keep my eyes on Him, then I know all things will work out the way they should and it will be in His will!

Here are some lyrics to My Anchor Holds...I've liked this song since the first time I heard it, but for different reasons than I like it now! :)

1. Though the angry surges roll
   On my tempest-driven soul,
   I am peaceful, for I know,
   Wildly though the winds may blow,
   I’ve an anchor safe and sure,
   That can evermore endure.
   • Refrain:
     And it holds, my anchor holds:
     Blow your wildest, then, O gale,
     On my bark so small and frail;
     By His grace I shall not fail,
     For my anchor holds, my anchor holds.
2. Mighty tides about me sweep,
   Perils lurk within the deep,
   Angry clouds o’ershade the sky,
   And the tempest rises high;
   Still I stand the tempest’s shock,
   For my anchor grips the rock.
3. I can feel the anchor fast
   As I meet each sudden blast,
   And the cable, though unseen,
   Bears the heavy strain between;
   Through the storm I safely ride,
   Till the turning of the tide.
4. Troubles almost ’whelm the soul;
   Griefs like billows o’er me roll;
   Tempters seek to lure astray;
   Storms obscure the light of day:
   But in Christ I can be bold,
   I’ve an anchor that shall hold.

Going Home

Well, it's been 10 days now since we left Missouri for Kentucky. The time seems like it went by so fast. We all had a wonderful trip, well our family did, I hope the Myers Family weren't too put out by us. :( Everytime we go to stay with their family we all learn something new. I always wonder what the Lord is going to teach me while at their house. This time it was a BIG issue! Not something I would have figured to learn while at their house. While at their house we heard of two people that are engaged now. One I know fairly well, and we are all happy, but in the back of our minds we think, why not us? I've noticed how easy it is to give your heart away and I wonder all the time if it's okay...I always thought I was the only one like this, but after talking to a friend, she told me that she struggled with the same thing. It's hard to think that you know the one you are going to marry and then a while later find out that the one you thought, might not be him at all. Girls, don't let yourself do this. I have and I'm trying so hard to get myself out of it. I still believe the Lord can work things out and change hearts that need to be changed, IF it's his will, but in the meantime we have to be patient and put all of our trust in the Lord who is faithful to do good!



Since we have been here, Mandy and I finished our quilts. Through quilting, I also learned to not be such a self-centered perfectionist! I got upset a few times over mistakes I made where the corners didn't match up or where my lines weren't straight. It just shows so much how on our own we fail, we need Jesus for everything we do and every minor detail of our lives.




Yesterday Abi and I worked on a song for over an hour on the guitar. It was so much fun! The strumming is a lot of fun and just a bit challenging so it keeps us practicing. Then last night, all of us played Dutch Blitz. Everyone that comes to the Myers House has to play Dutch Blitz with them. They are all so good, and it's a really fun game. It will be sad to leave today, but we do really need to get back to regular life. From this point on we are pretty much starting over. I need to get into a regular schedule and get some of the things around the house organized. David started going through Mom's clothes before he left, so I'll have to go through them when I get home and decide what to do with them.

Oh, I better go practice some more, we need to record the song before we leave. :)

In Kentucky!

After the two bad weeks I have had, I was very much looking forward to our trip to Kentucky. Mandy and I flew to Louisville yesterday...can you believe it, the flight was only 39 minutes long! :) The flight was very smooth and everything went better then planned. Praise God!

It was so nice to see Mr. Myers, Hannah and Lydia at the airport. Seeing them just made us smile. After eating lunch, Bethany and Hannah played on their dulcimers some. I've never seen anyone that can really play a dulcimer, but they both could and they were so good. The whole family is so talented. Then Mandy and I got our guitars out. Pretty embarrassing after listening to them. We will keep working on it though.

Hannah had the idea that while we were here we could make a baby quilt. So, Mandy and I came down to pick out our fabrics. She has every color imaginable so we had a lot to choose from. When we get closer to them being finished I'll post a picture.

Last night we all watched Facing the Giants. Each time I watch that movie, God shows me something new. One part of the movie the dad tells his son that it is fear that keeps him from trying out for the team. The son was afraid he wouldn't make it. These last few weeks, I have been struggling so much with that. I am most afraid of failure and more and more I see that happening to me. I think I try to rely on my own strength or my own goodness to get me through each time instead of relying on the Lord and resting in Him. I was talking to a friend and I was mentioning this to her and I said, maybe once I learn this lesson then it will be different. And she said, No, Danielle, you will still fail, even then, because I'm not perfect. As much as I'd like to be. Anyway, if you haven't seen Facing the Giants, please go rent it. There is so much in that movie that needs to be seen by the world. It has been a blessing to me and my family.

PAIN

Why does this have to be so hard? Every day this week my mind has drifted to my Mom and I just feel like I can't bear it. It hurts so much...because I love her and miss her. The Lord has been so good to get us through this, but he didn't promise me there would be no pain...I wish, but it's not that way. Before my Mom was sick, we started filming a movie my sister and I wrote. We didn't know the plot would be so real to us. Just today I went back to the website for the movie and read the comments left on our guestbook. That's when I found this from my Mom...


Well, girls, what can I say? I am so pleased that you are choosing to honor God with your time this summer. I think this film truly carries an evangelistic message and with the single purpose of turning people's hearts toward the Lord, I believe that God will honor your commitment to Him in this endeavor. I think your cast is wonderful and it has been a real pleasure to work with them. I thank God daily for the shining example you both are of His love. Keep working until Jesus comes to take us home.

Oh, I can't handle this....We didn't know that one of us would be going home so quickly...she doesn't get to see the finished product of our movie...I'm not sure I'll even be capable of filming and playing in the rest.

I love the memories of my Mom, but right now it hurts. I went to get a recipie and found one my Mom had written. Even the sight of her handwriting makes me miss her.

The Lord will be faithful to get me through this, I will trust in that and God will be my stronghold.

-Danielle

More Ice and Lots of Fun!

I know...I haven't posted anything for a long time. I've been wanting to write, but I wanted even more to post pictures and I finally have some!


Around Friday all of our ice had melted and then on Saturday night it started up again! We were at a birthday party for Hannah Hunt and it started snowing hard and fast...I wasn't excited. I have had my fill for snow for the year. On Sunday church was at the Tate's house, but we were the only family to show up. The roads were too bad for everyone else, I guess.

We had a short service and then had a meal together. After that all of us went outside to build a snowman. Right as we were starting though, Gorden started throwing snowballs at us all. We should have all expected it though. :) So, we stopped making our snowman and instead had a snowball fight. Even with my hurt knee, I was able to do it, I just couldn't get away fast enough, so I got hit a lot with snowballs! :)


Once we started our snowman, it seemed like it was going well. We had him 4 stories high, and then Gorden wanted to keep going higher, and higher, and higher. TOO HIGH! Our snowman never got a face because he finally fell over. Then it was time to start over. :)


This time he only had 3 parts and looked more traditional. Instead of a carrot nose though, he had somewhat of a snout. For eyes, we used Mandy's sunglasses and twigs for a smile, Oh yeah, and two leaves for eyebrows. I think he was pretty cute! It was a lot of fun to build him too.





After that someone suggested that we go sledding. So, Lora, John Paul, Gorden and me went to a nearby hill. It's been a long time since I've been sledding, so I was a little scared. It was a lot of fun though. I really enjoyed it. The worst part was climbing up the hill after going down it. It really loosened up my knee though. I found that I use it a lot more when I need to. Maybe I don't need that doctors appointment tomorrow after all.
Well, I really do need to go. It's getting late and I need to upload the photos! Enjoy...and I promise to write more later.

Lots of Ice

Well, all of our family is gone and they left just in time to get back. Their flight was at 5:00 and the airport in St. Louis closed at 7:00. They were predicting an ice storm and yes, we got it! :) At first it was neat, but now I am pretty much tired of it. It has caused more problems to be a blessing.


On Saturday, David and I went outside to work on our shed and we noticed lots of trees down in our yard. One actually fell on our trampoline and broke it. They are down all over though. The weight of the ice is too much and snaps the branches. I'm sure it will be lots of work once it has all thawed and we have to pick up the yard.

Then yesterday morning, Papa Jim, called on his cell phone and said that his power was out. It had gone out in the middle of the night. So, he came to stay with us. And then around 6:00pm our power went out also. We found out that there are millions of people without power right now. I'm thankful though, because David has a generator. It doesnt light up the whole house but it does do some, which is nice. We had Bob and Angela over yesterday evening so they just decided to stay the night, since they probably wouldn't have power when they got home anyway.

We woke up this morning to still no power and a minorly flooded basement. About after an hour, the power did come back on though. Praise God! When David went to take his Dad back home, his power was still not on. Then he checked the basement and it was standing in water. When the power goes out here, the sump pump will usually turn off which means the basement floods. There is something else that plays into it, but I'm not sure what it is. This is the second time for his basement to be redone. I feel very bad for him. It's such a nice house and then basement was only finished 2 years ago.Hopefully the ice will melt soon and Spring can come early! I'm excited to see what this year holds!

The Lord's Grace

It has been one week now since my mom has passed away. I guess it seems like longer since our days have been so long. I wanted to write though, to say how merciful the Lord has been to us. This whole week should have been a time for mourning, but he has gotten us through with his grace. I won't lie, I have been sad, but I haven't really dwelled on the issue too much. This could be a result of our company also...I guess. We had friends from Kentucky and California here. It was hard to see them go, because I thought for sure they were what was keeping our minds clear. But it's been okay, they are gone, and we are doing fine. Praise God!

Thank you everyone who has posted such encouraging comments. I do really appreciate all of the prayers and support you have all given. Even though, you don't know my Mom (most of you) I thought I would still post her Memorial Page. Mem.com and type in Carter. Her name was Peri Carter so you will have to scroll for awhile or click on 20. (You will know what I mean when you get there!) My mother was a blessing to many and an encouragement to all. We will never forget her.

Here is a copy of what I read at the funeral. The Lord was so gracious to get me through it. Here it is:

My Dad asked me to write something for the funeral today, so I am going to try my best to get through this. Growing up, my Mom and I were so close. Since I was little we did lots of things to bond together. She would rub my arm and we would just sit and talk for hours. I was her princess, at least she said I was. Actually, I believed I was my Mom’s favorite. Not until I was 16 did my Mom tell me that she told all of us kids that. I still like to believe I was though.

Through the last 5 years I have seen my Mom’s faith grow in more ways then one. When I was 14 my Mom made the major decision to take us out of public school and homeschool us. Even though she was a working Mom, she knew it was the right thing to take us out of school. I know it was scary for her, not knowing if it would work. But she in faith, did it, and knew that the Lord would work it all out. And he did. Then just a few years later my Mom told us the news about her getting married. I know I gave her so much opposition, but believing that God would work everything out, she married him anyway. ☺ We are all so greatful that she did. She also agreed to the decision of quitting her job. As most of you know, my Mom was really tight with her money, so quitting her job was a big step. We cut our income 60%, but my Mom knew that the Lord would take care of us, like he had before.

Then in August when my Mom was diagnosed with cancer, she once again put her faith to the test. She didn’t want chemo and radiation or surgery, because she believed like us that God would heal her without it. Through the first months, I actually went to her scared, of what may happen, but she assured me that everything would be okay no matter what happened. She knew if she died she would go to heaven and that didn’t scare her. I just had to have faith that God could heal her, having this faith, gave me hope. That was the whole reason for the mustard seed necklaces. Each day I wore it, I knew I was holding onto my faith. I couldn’t give up.

Although, my Mom did pass away, I don’t regret thinking she would be healed at all. I know that if I didn’t have enough faith to give me hope, then I couldn’t have made it through a lot of these rough times. When my Mom died, the first thing that went through my head was, Mom is with Jesus now. It’s what she has always wanted. Now, I just have to suffer with the loss. She will never see me marry, or her grandkids, but these are all vain things, right now I know she is rejoicing in heaven.

I will always miss my Mom and I will always love her. I am so blessed to have been able to take care of her the last few months. It was such a pleasure for me and I got to bond with my Mom in a new way. No more rubbing arms or girly talks, but I could just lay there with her and that was better then anything. Mostly, I will never forget the faith my Mom had. I pray that one day I can be just like her.


Thanks again for the prayers!
Danielle

Going Home

My Mom went to be with Jesus at 12:15 today at home. It was very peaceful and without pain. I will miss her forever and lover her always, but she is where she always wanted to be. It's a short post but I thought you would want to know.

-Danielle

Happy New Year!

Finally, it's 2007! This was always supposed to be my year, or so I thought. When I was in public school, I was supposed to graduate in 2007, so I've always known it as my year. Now, that has all changed. I call it my Mom's year! (And of course, Mandy, she will graduate also!) I'm pretty excited to see what this year brings. I was telling David last night that my Mom will either die or live this year...and that's scary. But not long after thinking that I realized it is the same for all of us. I could have died last night, I could die today, or in 3 years. None of us are guaranteed our next breath. Are we all ready to meet our maker? Are things in our lives the way we want to leave them? If the next face you saw was the face of Jesus Christ would you be ready?

Since this year is special to me, we did stay up until midnight to celebrate! We had our crackers and cheese and then our sparkling grape juice. (It's a tradition!) We also had lots of other food, but we were all so full. At midnight we took some pictures and then went to bed--we were wiped out!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Addition to my last post....

Here are just some pictures from our Christmas Eve and Christmas....sorry most of them are so fuzzy and blurry! I'll post them anyway though. My Mom looks much better now! (The thing in my Mom's nose was a feeding tube)

These are from Christmas Eve or the day before, I can't remember

These are from Christmas Day!

Letting God Heal

Last night David and I talked a long time about everything that has happened with my Mom. We both agreed that since the beginning, she has only gotten worse. With few exceptions of days when she felt really good. Now, with man's eyes, our situation seems hopeless. Without God it is impossible for my Mom to be healed. They have given her 6 months or less to live. I wonder to myself, Why am I okay with this? I think the number one reason is because I don't believe it. Since the beginning I have had hope that my Mom will be healed. Now I have had to think a lot though, what if he doesn't? Will I be okay with it? Will I get mad at God? After a long time thinking I realized I wouldn't. How could I? Either way my Mom will win...she still wont get to see me marry, or see her grandkids, but she will be in the prescence of God! I will be the one to suffer and I'll miss her so much, but in time I will be okay too. I realized last night that if my Mom were to be healed in Mexico, man could have gotten the credit. Our family wouldn't have thought it was them, but others could have. Also, if the radiation would have worked, people could have accredited to the doctors in the states. We have decided to sit back and let God heal her. We want him to get all the credit. We have friends who say they don't believe in miracles. They think that was a New Testament thing, not a now a days thing. Maybe my Mom's healing will change their minds? I don't know. I firmly believe in this coming year, my Mom will be healed. In the bible 7 is complete and 8 a new beggining. I am praying that 2007 will be like that for us. I'm not supersticious or anything but I keep telling myself by July my Mom will be better. If she isn't that's okay, but if she is even alive in July, that is amazing in itself! I think our family in particular is very excited about this New Year!

Last night something encouraging happened with my Mom. All of you who read this blog will know before the update list does! My Mom has had like burns on her forhead since the radiation. While in the hospital, the nurse told us that it will never come off. I couldn't believe it. Then yesterday a friend of ours brought my Mom some facial wipes. Now, you have to know, we have washed my Mom's face many times-everyday...but last night as I was using those wipes, the burn marks were coming off. Mandy and I wiped for about 20 min. and they all came off! Praise God! It's not that the marks were horrible, but once again my Mom beat the odds! When they say it can't be done, God shows that it can...Thanks God! Here are the before and after pictures...
Pretty neat huh? Well, I guess that is all for today. My Mom has been quiet all morning and we are praying that she perks up again. We have cut her steroids from 40mg. to 24mg. in a matter of 2 days, so I'm hoping she will bounce back. Thank you for all that are praying, I really do appreciate it!

Danielle

So Much To Say...So Little Time

Alright, I know it has been a long time since I have posted anything, but I do have an excuse this time. It all started on Wednesday, December 21st. Everything seemed to be going okay in the morning. My Mom felt good and everything seemed alright. Then my grandparents showed up with some Christmas gifts for my Mom. Oh, actually I just remembered. Wednesday morning, everything wasn't fine. My Mom couldn't remember things too well, and she didn't recognize us, or at least she said she couldn't. Then in the afternoon after opening a Christmas gift, my Mom went into a seizure.

At first it didn't scare me, because she has had them before and they last abot 45 seconds. So, after 30 seconds I went over to her and just started praying for her. Then, my Grandma made the comment, I think your Mom is having a seizure. She didn't know that I knew. After about a minute, my Mom started shaking all over and it just got really bad. My Grandpa got the time so we could see how long it was. After 5 minutes, and no changes...only for the worst, my Grandpa called 911. About 8 or 9 minutes into the seizure my Mom stopped breathing. I couldn't find her pulse and couldn't get her blood pressure. It was so scary for me. I really realized then that there is nothing we can do. God is ultimately in control, so the only thing worth doing is to pray. And that's what I did, althought I did believe my Mom had died. After 15 minutes the seizure had stopped and my Grandpa did mouth to mouth and she started breathing on her own again, she was still unconscience though. The paramedics showed up and said she was in a stable condition. They said it is actually safer for her to stay unconscise.

As she was being loaded into the ambulance David showed up at the house. He came home as soon as he heard about Mom. On the way to the hospital my Mom did regain conscienceness. The guy riding in the back with her told me that she was following commands, she just couldn't talk.

They ended up taking her into St. Josephs West in Lake St. Louis. They said that she needed to be admitted into ICU that night, untill they could get her medications under control. On Thursday morning, we went to see my Mom and she looked much better. She was on NO oxygen! We couldn't believe it. Her level was staying at 98 to 100%, when the night before she was at 84 with no oxygen on. Praise God for that!

Then on Thursday to our surprise the whole Myers Family came up from Kentucky to see us and deliver my Mom's Christmas present, the Quilt! We had such a great time with them. That could have been a really tough day for us, with all of the stress of being at the hospital, but they made it so much better. We have been so blessed by their family. Since she was doing so good on Thursday we figured she would come home on Friday.

On Friday, my Mom was much worse. She was swallowing because she was so tired. She couldn't stay away from one bite to the next. The doctor was in the room while I was trying to feed her so he said he thought it best to keep her another day and see how she was. And if she wasn't eating, he suggested putting a feeding tube in. So Friday, Lora Tate, took Mandy and I shopping to get our mind off things that day! We have really great friends! :) It was nice to spend the day with her.

On Saturday, my Mom was still doing pretty bad. She wasn't eating so they did order to have a feeding tube put in. The doctor gave us the results from her MRI and said that the two tumors appeared to be one large mass now. There was lots of swelling, but the size of the tumor didn't seem to change from the MRI done in October...which is good! From August to October it grew 2 mm, but from October 2nd to December 22, it didn't grow! Praise God!

Okay, this is turning out to be really long....On Sunday when we went in to see my Mom she was doing really good. We were so happy to see how she had improved. She was eating and she stayed awake almost the entire day. We were almost positive then that she would be coming home for Christmas! Well...on Monday morning all of us, plus Tara and Jason and David's Dad, went up to the hospital to open presents and celebrate Christmas up there. When we got there, my Mom wasn't doing as good as before. She wasn't eating again, and was very tired. She was able to stay awake while opening her gifts but that was it. So, unfortanately she didn't get to come home on Christmas. Around 2:00 on Christmas my Dad picked Mandy and me up to go to my Grandmas house. I had a good time, but towards the evening I started feeling really sick. I just went in the back bedroom and cried. All I could think about was my Mom. When we left the hospital she didn't look good at all and my Grandpa had made a comment, "Oh, so your Mom seems to be like she is at the end"---That didn't help at all. I hated facing the truth, but that night it stood right in front of my face. I was really scared and I missed my Mom.

On Tuesday my Dad dropped us off at the hospital and my Mom was up in her bed and ready to go. They had taken out the feeding tube and she was anxious to go home. She looked a lot better. She still wasn't talking, but she felt better. So, around 2:00 the ambulance brought her back home. She was so happy to be home! As soon as she got put back in her bed she fell asleep and slept untill 10:00. When she woke up she was talking a little bit. We decided to have her open a few more Christmas presents that we forgot to bring up. She was very alert and was excited about each gift. I then asked her if she remembered what gift I had gotten her, and she didn't. So, I brought the quilt back out. She loved seeing it. She didn't remember it at all. She was so interested seeing who made each block and what each block said. I really enjoyed the time last night reading them to her. Everyone did a wonderful job on their block! And thanks Hannah, for making the quilt for me! :)

So, last night I slept out in the living room with my Mom and around 3:00 I woke up and checked on her. She was awake, just laying there. I got up to turn off the TV it was playing the same song over and over again, and as I was walking to it, my Mom said to me, "Danielle, will you turn that thing off, It's been playing for an hour and a half!" I couldn't believe it! She hadn't talked that much for a long time! I was so happy. I stayed up a little while with her talking and then we both fell asleep. When we woke up that morning she was still talking just as good. It was so encouraging to see her like that again. Mrs. Osborne came today and my Mom stayed up almost the whole day talking with us.

The Hospice nurse came today also to have me fill out information. She said they will have a nurse out every day to check on my Mom. I never thought we would put my Mom on hospice, but I had to get to the point where it wasn't that we were giving up, just getting help. A friend helped me change my out look on that.

We are still praying for a miracle, because that is what it will take. I haven't given up hope, even though many think I am crazy. I sort of feel like Noah. He told everyone that it was going to rain, but no one believed him. I think, a lot of people must have thought he was crazy, I would have. I know I must seem like I am hiding from reality, or don't want to face the truth, but I really do believe she will be healed. Even though, every sign points to death, I just can't believe that.

Please continue to pray for my Mom and thanks for the prayers already!

Scared

Fear is such a horrible thing, but to overcome it is so difficult. How will I ever get over this, will I never not be afraid again? Everything seemed to be going fine, my Mom was getting better, why do things have to change so quickly? I'm really scared.

It's not that my Mom is really bad, she just started having seizures again. They are small, but they are there. I know God is in control and there is nothing I can do about it, but being at home with her, and me being the oldest is scary. I feel that things are my fault or if there was something I could have done to prevent it. I hate seeing my Mom like this. Now, she has a hard time remembering my name, my age, where we are. She thinks I'm 6, and she can't come up with my name. She said she has 7 kids, when we only have 4. I'm really hoping this is all a result from the Dilantin, the seizure medicaiton. It makes her very tired.

I've been so confident through all of this that she will be healed, and I'm still trying to believe that. I can't give up, but what do I do, when I feel so alone and scared? I've been praying so much, but I can't talk to anyone in our family. My sister doesn't want to talk about it, and David thinks I just want to be in control. It's really hard. Please, continue to pray for my Mom. I don't want her to give up, she has to keep going on. Maybe today is just a bad day, I'm praying that's all.

A friend once said, well it's in the bible too!, but Love casts out fear...Is it the devil placing all this doubt? Maybe he just wants me to lose sight of my goal. Maybe the seizures aren't related to her cancer? Even if the cancer is still growing, God can heal her. Right?

Decorating Night

Last Friday night, my sister Tara came over to help put the ornaments on the tree. We had such a good time together. My Mom was feeling really good and was so anxious for us to start the treee. We were all hungry so we wanted to eat first. :)

It was neat to go through all of our ornaments and remember back to when they were made or how we had gotten them. Even though the tree has nothing to do with the birth of Christ and it really is just vain, I think it's important because it is a time when the family all comes together, (or at least in our family) and puts aside anything that has happened before to just go back over the happy times. When looking at the ornaments, we don't think of all those bad Christmas's we had, but we remember all the good ones. Even though my Mom's memory is sometimes not the best, she could remember every ornament. It amazed us! She knew how old we were when we made it or where the ornament was bought, or who gave it to us. We found out though that ornament cookies don't last 5 years in a box...Mandy's cookie ornament had turned to a powdery substance over the last few years. Also, note to self...If a candy cane gets unwrapped and there is moisture in the box, it WILL stick to other ornaments! :) Consequently, lots of our ornaments got thrown out this year. We will just have to make new ones! I have lots of pictures for this post. The ballerina ornament was given to me last Christmas from my aunt. We went to the Nutcracker and she bought it for me. Isn't it pretty??

Here is a picture of our Christmas tree, with the house lights off. I tried to get a good one, but it just wouldn't work! :)









After we were done decorating the tree, I got some pictures of our family and of my Mom. She might seem like she looks sick in these pictures, but she really does look much better in these. I just didn't take any when she was so sick.





My Dad came to get Mandy and me on Saturday. When he saw my Mom he thought she looked very bad, but he hadn't seen her since September, that was before she got Radiation. We assured him though, that she was doing much better. We had a great time with my Dad. It has been over a month since we have seen my Dad and 3 months for my brother and step-mom, Angie. It was nice to spend time with them and play with Lane. I can't believe how big he has gotten. We tease, that he is a little man. He acts so much older and looks older, he will be 5 in January though. The pictures of him, aren't so good. He had been sleeping, so he didn't want me to take his picture. He is pretending to be sleeping in these. :)





I better go. I have more wrapping to do and have to check on our dinner! Enjoy the pictures!