HURT

I'm really struggling right now....I feel like I cant take it anymore. I want to run and forget about this life...about everything! I miss my Mom, so much! If only she was here, sometimes it doesn't feel real, it feels like she will be back here with me, but in reality, she wont! She never will be... and I have to live with that...but I'd rather not.

This is the day last year when my Mom was SO sick....right before we left for Mexico...she almost seemed like she was in a coma, it's sad to me, but that seems better than what I have now. At least she was there, and although she couldn't talk, she could hug me, and squeeze my hand. I dont have any of that now.

I just want this hurt to pass...I feel SO angry at the world...why does all this happen to me? But really there is no reason for it. God chose me to go through this, there HAS to be a plan, I just cant see it. And it hurts.....

August 14th...ITS BEEN ONE YEAR

As most of you know, it has been one year since my Mom was diagnosed with brain cancer. Thinking back, it almost seems like it was a long time ago, but then more and more memories come and it seems like it happened just yesterday. I almost wish it did just happen yesterday so I could spend more time with my Mom. But, I cant... I wanted to use this post to talk some about my Mom...before she got sick. I don't think I've really shared much about that...you all know abut our lives from the time my Mom got sick, and we seem like a pretty messed up family, but we weren't always like this...we were normal, or so I thought.


Growing up, my Mom had to raise us 4 kids, pretty much on her own. She did it so selflessly too. She spent her time going to school and working to provide us with an education and life that she thought would please us. We weren't the richest, or most organized, but we were definitely a family and I loved it! Not until recently did I realize how much she did for us...and how much she gave up for us...for us to be happy and to be like the other kids...even when our checkbook didn't want to permit it!





Then my Mom had the greatest joy of her life...or so she told me....she married David and got to stay home with Mandy and me and home school us! She taught me something that was so valuable...She did more college than most people and had SO many different jobs but her true joy and contentment came from being home with her kids and being a loving wife. Right before my Mom got sick...I was struggling with wanting to go to college...I cried almost everyday, finding myself, longing to go away to school...when I expressed this to my Mom, her heart went out...she couldn't stress to me enough, that this world has nothing to offer us. My flesh wants to go away, but was that what God wanted for me? She went that route and found her joy coming from being home. I'll tell you the truth...at first it was hard for me, but now I can say 100% that I have NO desire to go to school...I have the desire my Mom had...and I know that my contentment will come through that. This was one major lesson my Mom taught me.


When we were being interviewed for our movie, the reporter was asking what my Mom was like, and what she liked to do...the question stumped us..it was quite embarrassing...I'm not sure if we were caught off guard or just at loss for words...but now I can come up with plenty!


My Mom was a joy to be around. She would light up a room wherever she went. She was open and honest with everyone...she shared her heart and hoped others would be encouraged with what she had to say. She was smart, talented, beautiful, loving, caring, and funny! When we would go grocery shopping she would dance down the aisles sometimes...she knew it embarrassed me SO much...but she knew it would get me to laugh also. :) She had a way of getting me out of my rotten moods...I miss that...I miss everything about her.


Also, my Mom had a heart for the Lord that was like no other...no matter what the cost...she served the Lord. Oh....I can barely even write this...Umm... it amazed me how she could submit so easily and change if she knew that was what God wanted..and I know it must not have been easy, but she knew she had to make it look easy, for us to follow...she was our role model, and if she behaved that way, we had a better chance of doing that... My Mom's faith was great too...after she got diagnosed, maybe 3 days later, we were sitting in her hospital room and I had been pretty upset...and she looked at me and said, "Danielle, what if God has to take me, to save your Dad? Is it worth it?" I couldn't bare it...I said No! I wanted her! My Dad could be saved some other way....I know it was selfish and wrong of me, but my Mom was EVERYTHING to me, my life. But she loved the Lord so much and trusted Him, she knew He had a plan, if he were to take her. She did know that much........


I could go on and on I'm sure about my Mom, but I think it's just getting me more and more upset...maybe I shouldn't have done this....I pray that through this post you will be encouraged by my Mom's testimony. The life she lived was one for Jesus and now she is living with Him. It breaks my heart knowing that, but also I can rejoice because soon I'll be there with her...one day! And I'm sorry for all of you who never knew my Mom, I wish you could have and I pray that through this blog you will learn a little about her and see her love for the Lord!

I Love You Mom!

Quick Update!

When life seems like it can't get any crazier or worse, God has a way of showing us just how wrong we are. Actually, I shouldn't say worse, it's probably our outlook on it, to determine if it's worse or not, but definately crazy!

Since my Mom died, I figured by now our lives would start turning in the right direction, things would become clear and I'd somehow see the good from her death and understand more things...It's been almost one year to day that my Mom was diagnosed with brain cancer and my world is more upside down now, than it was 4 months ago. I know God has a plan for my messed up life, just right now, it's hard for me to see it. I'm continually having to re-focus and trust that the Lord is ultimately in control and has a plan for my life. And that through each of these trials I go through I have two options, to become better or become bitter. Which is it? It's my choice, and from now on, I'm choosing to grow in the Lord...to become better! I need your prayers though.

Just a quick update...Mandy and I are now living with my Dad and family. It's only been a week but I think this will be a good home for us. My Dad loves us very much and I'm just learning all of this now, being almost 19 years old.

Oh, one more quick thing!!! Mandy and I have submitted our movie, Dancing With Angels, to the San Antonio Independent Christian Film Festival. Praise God that he allowed us to finish, just in time! We just got an email from someone letting us know that they have received the film and would let us know by September 15th, if we made it or not...please pray about this too...we want God's will for this film, not our own!

In Him,
Danielle