Thursday, March 29, 2007

It's Hard!

It's incredible to me how some day are just so easy and others seem impossible to get through...I wonder why this is. Some say, the pain goes away, and others say the pain never goes away. Some say if I was closer to the Lord it would go away. What is it? Why do I hurt all the time? Why isn't this pain leaving? It's been 3 months and I would have thought the pain would have lessened. No one knows what really is going on with me. I wear a smile all the time, well most of the time, but inside I'm crying wanting her back, just to be with her, to tell her things, to love her. I can't though, she isn't coming back....I realize I will see my Mom again, but I wonder how long? If I miss her this much after 3 months, how will 3 years be? I've never loved anyone as much as I love her, so to have her just taken from me is horrible.

Lately, it seems that most people that were in my life have been taken away. I'm not sure why or for what reason, but close friends and some family have just kind of gone away. But what has become stronger is the relationship between my sisters and I. I was riding in the car with Tara yesterday and it was quite a long drive so we had tons of time to talk about Mom...everytime I'm with her she wants to talk about her, it's not easy for me all the time. So yesterday, Tara asked me why God would take was so hard because I didn't know the reason. I told Tara that God has a plan and that we will one day see good come from this, but at the moment it's hard...I'm telling her this with tears running down my face wondering myself, why Mom??? But I can't...I have seen good already and I told Tara Dad now has Jesus in his heart and will also see my Mom again. I just pray that Tara will also change her life and will be able to see my Mom again. Being a christian we have some hope when a brother or sister in Christ dies because we know we will see them, but I can't imagine going through something like this without Him...there would be no hope. The Lord is working on Tara's heart though.

Jesus told us that he will never leave us or forsake us...that is so comforting to know, because, as I have experienced, friends will leave, family goes, but God is forever! No losing him! I want to hold on to that, because in a world today where everything is temporary, I get so discouraged. God is good!

"Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not grow tired, they will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:31

Monday, March 26, 2007

Not Winter Forever....

This post is long overdue. Since my Mom passed away I really haven't blogged so much, I've stopped almost all of my writing.

Right after my Mom died, someone had mentioned to me that it wont stay tough will get easier. And then while we were in Kentucky, one day I was struggling so much and David made a comment to me saying, "Danielle, it wont be winter forever, spring is coming!" That statement means so much to me. Then a day later, Hannah, a friend of mine, made the same comment, without knowing David said it. It really surprised me. One main reason this means so much to me is because of the Walton episode that I've talked so much about. I'll go over it again, just a little. In the episode, the Mom gets polio and isn't able to walk, of course during the winter, all she wants to do is walk again...she tries and tries but it doesn't work. Then some ladies from the church make her a quilt all with personalized blocks with messages on it. That's what gave me the idea to make the quilt for my Mom. Now back to winter... :) In the episode, the little kids planted crocuses, I'm guessing it was the Mom's favorite flower and the morning that the Mom was able to stand up and walk, she glanced out her window and saw the flowers bloomed, which gave them hope, knowing Winter isn't forever and spring was right there! I hope this is all making since.

Well, a few weeks ago our flowers bloomed. And right outside the kitchen window we have crocuses that my Mom planted. Everytime I look at them I think of her and the movie. It's amazing to me to see how God has worked in our lives since my Mom passed away. And how true it is that spring is coming, actually already here! :) God has been faithful to answer the prayers that people prayed for us to stay busy and we are finding opportunities to do things that we haven't done before.


Since my Mom passed away, I have started babysitting. Her name is Audrey and she is 2 1/2! What fun! At first it was very difficult, because at home there are no rules and here there are. It's hard for a child when the standard constantly changes. She is doing much better now though. Today was a nice day, so Mandy C. and I took her outside to play with bubbles. Actually we blew them and she chased them! I'll have her two more times this week and then Mandy has her all next week, since I'll be in California. I'm planning on blogging while I'm there, so hopefully it will work!
Isn't she cute??? :)

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

HIS way is best!

I was going to share this on Sunday at church but the opportunity didn't exactly come up, so I figured I would post it instead.

About a week or so ago, I was vacuuming my room, it was a mess since I had been stripping wallpaper. Anyway, as I was vacuuming there was lots of paper stuck to the floor and I needed to get it up. It sounds silly, but I simply asked God, "Please Lord, help me get this up...I need it all up!" Then only a few seconds later, I noticed that the thing I wanted to suck up in the vacuum had something sharp besides it that I shouldn't have vacuumed up. So, although I prayed to God that I would get this pile up, he knew what was better. He knew I didn't want to get it all up.

I wonder if this is how it is with my Mom's death. I prayed so much for my Mom to be healed, with more faith than ever. It seemed right for her to be here with me...more time on this earth. But maybe the Lord knows that it's not the sharp object...My Mom needed to go to heaven and eventually I will understand. With my first story it was so easy to understand that and see it, but with my Mom it isn't. And probably for all of you, it seems easy, your thinking..."How could she not see that it's for the good." And yes, I know it is, because he tells us in Romans that all things work together for the good for those who love him and are called according to His, I do know this, but understanding is something entirely different.

I'm sorry if I bored you with my little story...and I know the first incident sounds so minor, but it had to happen, so God could show me. I need to trust him no matter what. If I pray for something and it doesn't happen my way, there is a reason, He has a better way!

Saturday, March 03, 2007

How well do you know me...another quiz!

Take it so I can see your results! :)