Friday, August 31, 2012

Happy Birthday Layton!!!!

Layton turned ONE just about a month ago..I know, I'm slow at announcing things, but oh well..I am now! :) He seriously is THE best thing that ever happened to me. I look forward to seeing that little face at 6:30 every morning..or 4:30, or 2:30 or 1:00  lol (Last night he got up at 1:30am and 4:30) still loved seeing his little crying face. Anyway, he brings SO much joy to my life. He's a bundle of energy and keeps me on my toes, but I love it. He has SOO much personality for a one year old, it amazes me. I feel like he is aging twice is fast. Can you believe it...he already knows how to climb all the steps at the park to go down the big slide!! I DIDNT TEACH HIM THAT! lol He is such a daredevil. :) Scares me everytime he does it and I'm right behind him in case he falls but he does it, and goes down all by himeself also! :) Anyway...back to the post!

SO, we had an UP themed birthday party for him because of the 'Russell' in his name. :) lol Barely anyone around here just calls him Layton, it's always Layton Russell. I even catch myself, when I really need to get his attention I use both names and he listens! :) So back to the I guess I should let the pictures do most of the was a fun day, I'll say that much. I was really having a hard time that Laytons grandparents on my side couldn't be here for it, but on the day of the party it was all good, and I'm so thankful for that. We missed them, yes, but it was still a fun party!

UP cupcakes
Cake balls

Dipped Marshmellows
Cake Pops
Snipe Bars for the kids as favors :)

signing the 'guest book'

The 'Guestbook' a friend drew it for me and I wish I had a pic of the finished's FILLED with balloons...everywhere! This is glued in as the front page to his Adventure Book

 The pinata! (Thanks Crystal for making was SO cute!)

A ride for the kids!

 Saying goodbye to the balloons...


Thursday, July 19, 2012


Today has been hard...and I can vent here, right? No one reads this blog anymore anyway....I'm just going to vent.... I absolutely love and adore my son! I honestly never knew I could love one person so much. It's weird...with his birthday coming up, in just 15 days, I've been doing lots of preparation for his party and just a lot of thinking about him and his life.

Well today my Dad called and says, "Danielle, I'm thinking I shouldn't come up for his party, I'll just come to his party here in MO. (he already told me he'd come up for this one in IL, it's the BIG party, plus he's only been here once, a week after layton was born.) So he asked what I thought and I told him it's not my decision and just to make up his mind and do it....that's when the tears began to fall. i SOOo badly wanted my Dad and stepmom and brothers to be here for this...not just for the party but to see my life up here. To see Layton's room, to see Layton play in his OWN house. I ended up just getting off the phone Dad isn't good with crying and by this time it was very evident I was crying and I just couldn't talk. I got off the phone with him and just sobbed....layton of course runs over to me and laughs..he ALWAYS laughs when I'm crying...funny i guess. ;) I just snuggled him up and held him as tight as I could. 

that's when my brain got me into trouble.......i started thinking....WHY CANT MY MOM BE HERE? She would have been the BEST grandma. Even when I was 16 she talked to me about having my own kids and how much she looked forward to grandchildren. She talked about helping me homeschool them and just doing stuff with them. She would LOVE Layton...I know it...She loved babies anyway, but Layton...oh boy, he would steal her heart. ;( 

His others grandmas are wonderful and they love him, so this is not a downing session on them, it's just that both Angie and Aarons Mom, Lonna, have little kids. They both have 4 year olds and don't seem "ready" to be Grandma's since they are raising their own kids. (that sounds mean, but my heart isn't to be mean here) Grandparents just seem like they are supposed to be Mom would have been older, no kids, she would have had so much time to devote to him. ;( I want that....i want that so bad! 

My Dad has no idea how badly he has hurt me and I can't tell him....I never feel like he "loves" layton...I hate that...I want him to have a grandpa on my side that enjoys being with him so much....I want so much for him and I feel like I'm failing in that area because I cant give him grandparents that have lots of time for him...I wish though. I wish so badly. 

No one will know this hurt...I'll wipe the tears and go to bed and act like I never wrote this even though inside part of me is still aching. I much! It's like the bandaids i keep putting over my wounds keep falling off and the pain overwhelms me over and over again. Jesus, PLEASE heal my heart. Take my pain. And THANK YOU, for my son. I lOVE HIM!