Thursday, July 19, 2012

hard...

Today has been hard...and I can vent here, right? No one reads this blog anymore anyway....I'm just going to vent.... I absolutely love and adore my son! I honestly never knew I could love one person so much. It's weird...with his birthday coming up, in just 15 days, I've been doing lots of preparation for his party and just a lot of thinking about him and his life.

Well today my Dad called and says, "Danielle, I'm thinking I shouldn't come up for his party, I'll just come to his party here in MO. (he already told me he'd come up for this one in IL, it's the BIG party, plus he's only been here once, a week after layton was born.) So he asked what I thought and I told him it's not my decision and just to make up his mind and do it....that's when the tears began to fall. i SOOo badly wanted my Dad and stepmom and brothers to be here for this...not just for the party but to see my life up here. To see Layton's room, to see Layton play in his OWN house. I ended up just getting off the phone quickly...my Dad isn't good with crying and by this time it was very evident I was crying and I just couldn't talk. I got off the phone with him and just sobbed....layton of course runs over to me and laughs..he ALWAYS laughs when I'm crying...funny i guess. ;) I just snuggled him up and held him as tight as I could. 

that's when my brain got me into trouble.......i started thinking....WHY CANT MY MOM BE HERE? She would have been the BEST grandma. Even when I was 16 she talked to me about having my own kids and how much she looked forward to grandchildren. She talked about helping me homeschool them and just doing stuff with them. She would LOVE Layton...I know it...She loved babies anyway, but Layton...oh boy, he would steal her heart. ;( 

His others grandmas are wonderful and they love him, so this is not a downing session on them, it's just that both Angie and Aarons Mom, Lonna, have little kids. They both have 4 year olds and don't seem "ready" to be Grandma's since they are raising their own kids. (that sounds mean, but my heart isn't to be mean here) Grandparents just seem like they are supposed to be old...my Mom would have been older, no kids, she would have had so much time to devote to him. ;( I want that....i want that so bad! 

My Dad has no idea how badly he has hurt me and I can't tell him....I never feel like he "loves" layton...I hate that...I want him to have a grandpa on my side that enjoys being with him so much....I want so much for him and I feel like I'm failing in that area because I cant give him grandparents that have lots of time for him...I wish though. I wish so badly. 




No one will know this hurt...I'll wipe the tears and go to bed and act like I never wrote this even though inside part of me is still aching. I hurt.....so much! It's like the bandaids i keep putting over my wounds keep falling off and the pain overwhelms me over and over again. Jesus, PLEASE heal my heart. Take my pain. And THANK YOU, for my son. I lOVE HIM!

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

My prayers and love! this must be so hard for you, take it one step at a time. Hugs~

vanessa

Nathania said...

I'm so sorry you are having a hard time! I will be praying for you. May God continue to comfort you and heal your wounds.

Love,
Nathania

P.S. Layton is such a cutie!

Nathania said...

I'm so sorry you are having a hard time! I will be praying for you. May God continue to comfort you and heal your wounds.

Love,
Nathania

P.S. Layton is such a cutie!

Kathy said...

Hi Danielle, it is not true that no one is following your blog anymore. I just checked it out. Iam really sorry to read this and do understamd that. Grandparents where so important in my life. I thought about this when I would have a child and Wolfgang would be so far away how sad that would be. There is not really a great advice I can give you but I think there are allways people that act like grandparents to your kid even if they don't really are the grandparents. I hope you feel better soon and it seems to me that Layton is a verry loved kid that is all that really matters. Geatings from Germany.

sage said...

I still read your blog, iEllie. I still love you, even though we never talk. And I still cry for you when I hear that you're hurting.

I'm so sorry that you carry this pain. I love my grandparents and know how special it is to have ones that invest in your life with their time and love. But don't be discouraged. God will put just the people Layton needs in his life at just the right time. Trust Him for that. He's a darling little boy. I know that there are a lot of people who love him.

Hugs to you! And Layton!!!

Anonymous said...

So good to see you posting again. Sorry to see you are having a hard time right now.
God Bless!

dancingthroughreality said...

<3

dancingthroughreality said...

<3

His Way Services said...

That sounds so difficult to handle. I'm sorry it ended up that way. The Lord knows your desires, and it's hard for Him to say no sometimes. I just want to say this: it can be so hard to not have grandparents involved in your son's life, but even more important is that you and your husband, his parents ARE involved in his life. The Lord won't always so no. There are times when He says yes!
"My heart is severely pained within me," Psalm 55:4

"...casting all your care on Him for He cares for you," 1 Peter 5:7

God bless! Rebecca

Marjo.....B. said...

Danielle,
You don't remember me, but we have met a couple times, here in Missouri.

I visited your blog again after such a long time, hoping to see pictures of Layton! And is he ever CUTE!!! So big now, too. I forgot how old he would be by now! Congratulations on such a darling little son.

I will be praying for you, Danielle. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you without your mother. It is so difficult to see the Lord's will in our lives. We find ourselves asking ''why''!
Well, I must say, reading what you wrote has helped me apreciate and love my mother more. Thank you. And I will be praying for you.
God bless!
Marjolaine