Monday, February 25, 2008

Missing Her

Seems like I am doing a lot of posts now, but that's only because I have no other way of getting things out of me. Sometimes I call someone, but now that I am living here it's easier to type. I don't want them all to know I am crying.

A friend sent me an email this evening with an excerpt from a book entitled "Holding on to Hope" As I read through the email my thoughts went back to my Mom and the days right after she died. My heart breaks remembering all of this. When I think about her dying I realize she isn't here anymore. And it's scary. My Mom was the most stable thing in my life. She was my anchor and still a year after she has passed, I'm trying to switch my anchor to Jesus Christ, but it is hard for me for some reason. Very hard....I know that God knows best and has a plan, but it's SO hard for me to see that. How can this be good? How can taking the most important thing in my life away be good? How is me being left alone, good? I just don't get it.

I'm not sure why it's been hitting me so hard lately. I try really hard to cover all the feelings up. I'm sure that the people I work for think I'm weird and crazy. I'm sure they hear me down in my room crying a lot, but to them it must make no sense. A girl who is almost 20, spending her evenings, in her room crying...Something that the book said was how people say things like we should be rejoicing or happy because our loved one is in a better place and not hurting anymore, and even though that is true, it doesn't make the pain go away. I don't want my Mom in heaven right now, I want her here! And I know that must sound SO selfish, but it's the truth...that is the REAL me, everyone! If I can't have her here, I want to be there with her. Heaven seems so far away and like an eternity 'till I will see her again.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Un Corazón Pesado

There is so much that I want to write, but can't seem to get any of it down on paper. Usually writing is my only way to really get things out and to not bottle up things forever. The last three days I've started blog posts and write a little and then delete them, thinking I couldn't post it. It's like I'm afraid, afraid for you all to see what's really going on inside of me.

This morning I woke up to a very chaotic house. Fighting and yelling, just things I am not used to hearing and then when finding out what it all resulted to, it hurt a lot. Forgiveness is a hard thing for some people but I believe it is SO dangerous when we wont forgive others. In Matthew it talks about forgiving others so our Father will forgive us our sins. "And forgive us our sins, just as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us...If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins" (Matthew 6:12, 14-15)

There are many verses talking about the Lord forgiving us, but it's like we think we should be different. It's almost like some people think we have a duty to hold a person to their sin for the rest of their life. And that is saddening.

"Though our hearts are filled with sins, you forgive them all" (Psalm 65:3)
"I will cleanse away their sins against me, and I will forgive all their sins of rebellion" (Jeremiah 33:8)

I don't know how to stop this and to show love to both sides, when in reality both sides are at war. One part of me just says, forgive and let it go, it's over...end of story! But then, I have so many people on the other side not understanding. They only look at the past and are scared. By me forgiving and going on with life, it's like it's causing turmoil for those who don't understand. They think I am foolish and naive, among many other things. I just don't know what to do. I want the fighting to stop at home but I'm afraid I would have to give up a very important person in my life for that to happen, and I can't do that.

This post may seem very vague and well, too personal for most of you, but I HAD to get this out. This is only a fraction of the pain going on inside but possibly you can understand why I have "Un Corazón Pesado"...A Hurting Heart.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Update on David

David is in CA right now and visited with the doctors in Mexico on Tuesday. I have mixed emotions from everything he told me. They told him that his cancer is FAST growing but that isn't necessarily bad. I guess it can be easier to treat that way. They then explained how the states would treat it: 4 different types of chemo and it's very intense. Basically they told him, if he can live through the chemo they do, then he would be fine...maybe that's why they say 90% success rate..maybe 90 percent of those who make it through the chemo live. I don't know....but I am very glad that he isn't going that route. He also said that the doctor in Mexico said they want him to come for 4 weeks of treatment and then go home for a little while and then come back! That's a lot! When my Mom was sick, she went for 3 weeks at a time and that was a lot. I think we were there more than anyone, and we were in Mexico for a total of like 9 weeks, plus 3 weeks in a hospital in Chula Vista.

So, David is coming home tomorrow and then will be making plans to fly back down there pretty soon. I applied for my passport yesterday and Mandy will be applying soon so that we will be ready to go if we end up getting the chance. David invited us to go, and well, although I have work, I really believe this is more important. I've been to the hospital before and I've seen people there with no family, no support and it's rough. I don't want that to be David. Not sure if that makes sense. Finding out now though that it's for 4 weeks is really tough. I know I can't be gone that long. :( Please continue to pray for David and also...please pray that God would put someone in my path that would be willing to help me out. Possibly take my place here, as a nanny, while I am gone a week or two. I think that is what I am most stressed out about now. I WANT to go to be there for him, but I can't just leave this family with no one either. It's hard...


It's been sleeting here, ALL DAY! |( No fun at all! I'm stuck here at home, but I guess it could have been worse. Mandy C. was here with me all day today and all day yesterday! :) I was hoping she would get stuck tonight too, but she braved it in the ice and made it home. Today has been challenging though. Kim stayed home because of all the ice, she couldn't make it in to work and then Logan's school was cancelled also. When their Mom or Dad is home, Hanah has a hard time listening to me. So, it makes it very tough on me. Hanah threw a few fits, but alas! I survived!!! ;)

Yesterday I did a photoshoot of Mandy C. too, so if you haven't already checked out my other blog, you can look at it! :) The link is on the side- Grace Creations. Please give me any critique you have! :) I have SO much to learn!

Thanks so much for praying already for David!

Friday, February 15, 2008

Happy Valentines Day!

Well yesterday was quite the day. I had all these great plans for a Valentines Party for Logan and Hanah, but the Lord had other plans I guess. Logan stayed home from school sick, Very sick. :( So, he spent almost the entire day sleeping or watching movies. He really didn't feel well at all. :(

Hanah and I tried to continue with our day, but she wanted to be with her brother. We were able to do some Valentine crafts and we talked a lot about God's Love, and what God did for her because He loved her SO much!

In the evening, David took Mandy and I out to dinner. It was fun to dress up a little bit and spend time together!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Please Pray

This is going to sound all too familiar I am sure. It makes me think back to why I even started this blog. It was designed to give updates about my Mom as she battled her cancer. And now that she is gone, I sort of thought the blog was useless. I lost my inspiration for writing and "Mustard Seed Faith" didn't mean much to me anymore. ;( But now, I'm sorry to say, but this blog has meaning again.

My stepdad, David, was diagnosed with cancer yesterday. He had a tumor removed the week before but we were counting on it not being cancer. And then yesterday the results showed it WAS cancer and that it had spread. He now has a large mass near his kidneys. Most of you all probably have lost someone before or have gone through something like this, so you know what it is like, but I have to tell you. This is a lot harder than I ever thought it could be. Because Mandy and I realize that if David wasn't here, we would feel almost like orphans. And I know that sounds dumb, but I mean it. David and my Mom raised us at the most crucial years of our lives. They taught us everything we needed to know and loved us. And now, if God decides to take him, I feel like we will have no one.

Some of you know also, that since August, Mandy and I have not been living with David. We moved out to be with our Dad, but this does NOT mean that we stopped loving David or that he isn't a Dad to us. We have always loved him and cared about him.

David is now considering going to Mexico like my Mom and getting some treatments there. I need your help though, by praying for David and for me. Since my Mom died, I lost all faith it seems like. It is hard for me to believe that God can heal people. I thought SO much He would heal my Mom and He didn't, and so now I think, why would he heal David? This is wrong of me, I know, I want to have that faith! Even faith the size of a mustard seed. ;(

Monday, February 11, 2008

A Great Weekend!

Well, I am not exactly sure where to even begin. This last weekend I had was tremendous! :) I had such a great time just hanging out with my family. On Friday, my Dad picked me up around 1:30, which was nice to get off work earlier than 6:30. I then had a few hours to just run errands with my Dad and kind of hang out with him, which was nice. We planned out what we would have for dinner and then the two of us cooked it! :) He is the "fryer" of the family, so he made some fish for himself and fried two chicken breasts for me, to put on the Fried Chicken Salad! :) Then along with the salad we had Fettachini Alfredo. Okay, I know, none of that seems to go together, but we were throwing together odds and ends, and it all ended up tasting good! :) I spent the rest of that evening watching a movie and playing with Lane.

Then on Saturday, Angie had to leave to go to Mt. Vernon, so it was just Lane, Mandy, my Dad and me. :) My Dad and I cooked a big breakfast and then honestly, I think we played the rest of the day! :D My Dad barbequed, since it was SOO nice outside and Lane and I practiced our circus stuff :D It was lots of fun!

Sunday I would have to say we had the most fun though! Lane had been wanting to go swimming SO badly and I was afraid it just wouldn't work out again, due to certain things. But to our surprise, both my Dad and Angie said that Mandy and I could take Lane to the YMCA to go swimming. We have never done this before, so I wasn't sure what to expect, but they have what they call "Family Swim" on Sundays, where they have the BIG water slide open, so Lane LOVED that! It was really nice too, cause there weren't many people there! ;) After swimming for almost 2 hours, Mandy, Lane and I went out to dinner and then to Krispy Kreme afterwards for a dessert! It was so nice to be able to spend so much time with Mandy and Lane! We had a great time and it was sad when they dropped me off back at the house. I wanted that day to last forever! Can't wait till next weekend though! :)

...I've realized lately that when I am not thinking about my Mom, it's almost as she is still alive. Or I just forget that she is not here with me anymore. Because a lot lately, I have let my mind slip back to thinking about her and when she died, and it's like I can't take it. I wonder how I've even made it this long without her. It seems impossible. I have so many questions I would like to ask my Mom, questions that only seem fitting to ask a Mom, but now they are left unanswered. My heart longs to see my Mom again, she was my best friend. But, now I am realizing that Jesus needs to take that spot. I can't cling to the hope that my Mom will come back or that someone can take her place, only Jesus can. It says in Proverbs, "A friend loveth at all times" and "A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother"....Only Jesus can be this friend. Not Lane, not Mandy, and sadly, not my Mom.

(note: first picture is of the Valentine card, Lane made for me! And the second picture is of the cheesecake Mandy made :D )

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Chicken Alabam!

This is going to be sort of an odd post I am sure. But, as you all know I have been pretty attached to the camera lately, so EVEN while cooking dinner, I didn't want to put it down! ;) So, I thought I should just do a step by step recipe for making one of my favorite chicken dishes, Chicken Alabam!

I am in no way a chef of any sort, so if you see that I've done something wrong, I'm sorry! :) Hope you enjoy the recipe though. Let me know if you ever try it!!

8 chicken breasts, cut in half
3/4 cup flour
1 tsp. paprika
1 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. thyme
pepper to taste
1/2 chopped onion (optional)
2 cups chicken broth
1 cup evaporated milk
1 stick butter


In a large ziploc baggie combine flour, paprika, salt, thyme, and pepper

Coat chicken in bag

Brown the chicken breasts in 6 tbsp. of butter on Med-High heat. When brown put them in a casserole dish.

Add rest of butter to the frying pan and add onions to be sauted. After they are translucent, add chicken broth and evaporated milk. Bring to a boil and then pour over chicken mixture.

Bake at 325 for 40 minutes. Serve with mashed potatoes or rice!

Wednesday, February 06, 2008


It's finally up!


Lesson this week: Noah's Ark

I've really been getting settled into a routine now with this nanny job. And I started this week with the mind set that I would enjoy it and make the most of every moment I have with Hanah. (So, you know, that IS the correct spelling of her name....I know, I know, you wouldn't think so because I spell everything else wrong.) Since I have had this mindset though, it's like the Lord has really been blessing me with a good week, with Hanah anyway! :) She hasn't thrown a single tantrum for me at all and has been listening quite well. The last 2 days, she hasn't been feeling real well, but still, she is behaving very well. :)

Since each week we study about 2 different bible characters, this week happened to be Noah! :) I ended up taking 3 days to learn about him and do different crafts with her! :) A friend actually reccomended making a boat with her to resemble the ark, so that's what we did on Monday. We first read the story of Noah and the ark and then went over some different facts and then started our building! ;) When I woke up that morning I really had no clue how we would build this ark. :) I had different things in mind and the family ended up having none of the supplies I wanted. So, we had to be creative! :) While feeding the kids breakfast I noticed an empty cereal box, so...can you guess what the base of our boat was?? :P I ended up cutting off part of the box and then folding the bottom of the box up to make like a square out of the cereal box. Then, I made a slit int he top after gluing the box into a square and cut a smaller square out of the top, so we could put things IN the boat! :) With the piece of cardboard that I cut off, I folded it in half and glued it over the opening of the boat to make like a small roof! It really served no purpose.

Then, after gluing all of that, We wrapped our ark with foil and then added our colored popsicle sticks. :) I guess they aren't really popsicle sticks, they are plastic! So, we lined the bottom of our boat with the sticks and then added some sticks that were cut in half to the "roof" of our boat for decoration. I was hoping the sticks on the bottom would actually help it float though. :) Then Hanah colored in a Noah for our boat and we cut him out. At this time I was planning on using animal crackers for the animals, but unfortunately, when I got upstairs they weren't any! :( But, I was pleased to find a box full of foam animal stickers! Hanah and I picked out 2 of every animal we could find and put them in the bottom of the boat! :) So NOW we were ready to set sail!

We ended up waiting 'till Tuesday to float our boat because Logan got home from school, but we had so much fun doing it. I cleared out the big tub, and then set the ark inside the tub. As the tub was filling up, I told Hanah about the flood again, and how it rained for 40 days. As I was talking we were both SO happy to see that our boat, actually floated!! YAY! Praise God! :) I would have felt really bad if it didn't. It floated really well though and except for Noah getting a little wet, it turned out nice and was a fun project!

Monday, February 04, 2008

Without Faith

Over the weekend, Mandy and I did a lot of driving which means, listening to a lot of music. Since Mandy just bought this little tape thing that goes in so she can listen to her ipod, we were able to listen to all the songs we wrote while my Mom was sick.

As I listened to all the songs the memories all came back and filled my head. Some were very good and others just made me think of my Mom laying there in that hospital bed or seeing her after she had passed away, which wasnt good.

One song though that I wrote was right after my Mom was diagnosed. It's actually a funny story sort of, it's very special to me though. Here are the lyrics to the song...

Rumors of War and murders each day
Little ones taken, from their beds where they lay
This world is temporary, it won't last long
There's got to be more, we need hope to go on

Without Faith, we have no hope
And without hope, we have no Peace.
We need you Lord, because on earth
we cant look past our current distress and ask for Faith.

There's a girl on her bed, and she's crying as she writes
Oh, help me dear Lord, and please heal my Mom tonight.
Cancer has her hostage and she's ready to give up.
I'm dying inside because I love her so much

Without faith, we have no hope
And without Hope, we have no Peace.
We need you Lord, because on earth
We cant look past our current distress and ask for Faith

Disaster will hit, and trails will come
Things we cannot handle, but I know you'll overcome

Chorus again

Well, after I had finished writing the song and it was recorded, I let my Mom listen to the song. When hearing it, my Mom had tears in her eyes and said at the end, "I like that song, how does it end though? Does the lady live?" Thinking about this now really upsets me. Because of course, when my Mom said that to me, I knew she had no idea the song was about her. I told her yes...the lady DOES live and she never did know that I wrote that about her, and I WAS the one crying each night as I wrote in my journal. But as much as I get upset over this, it is a really good memory for me to have. It's always a good memory, when I can remember back to having my Mom with me. Although she was sick, she was here. She could sit down and listen to music with me, that's something that she can't do now. And I miss that, a lot!

I think about my situation a lot now and wonder what my Mom would say. Since I am now living away from any parents and am pretty much on my own, I wonder if my Mom would be dissapointed. Upset that all the training she has given me, is almost put to waste. I want others to look at my life and know that my Mom was a God fearing woman, and that she taught me in the Lord. I am afraid though that my life does not show that. I would want my Mom to be pleased with how I am, and I'm just not sure she would be. Oh, how I wish she could just come back. Just to be here with me a few more years. I just want to be with her. I can't even explain how much I miss her. And I try SOO hard to not show it on the outside, to hide my feelings but then, eventually it all just comes out.

Psalm 61:2 "From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I"

Sunday, February 03, 2008

New Blog Coming Soon!!!

As most of you know, recently I have really been getting into photography. I was offered the opportunity to work alongside a photographer a little bit and learn about the camera and such. I am prayerfully considering the option and hoping it all works out. This is really somthing I'd like to do. I still havent bought my own camera yet, but hopefully within the next 2 weeks I will have made up my mind for which one to get. Since I am starting to learn more and taking LOTS of pics, I figured I wold start another blog, just for my pictures and for my "business" Grace Creations. :) It's really not a business I guess, since I have no work. There is this one guy though. Mandy bought a car from a man in Fenton, and he heard that I was into photography and asked me if I'd be interested to come take pictures of his little boys. Then of course, he asked for my website and I had to tell him...I didnt have one! :) So, that's why I guess, I am making this new blog.

I will let you know when it is up. I am working on a header for it and cannot get the dimensions right at all! Hopefully by tomorrow though, it will be up.

Here are two samples of what I've been working on. :) Enjoy!