Seems like I am doing a lot of posts now, but that's only because I have no other way of getting things out of me. Sometimes I call someone, but now that I am living here it's easier to type. I don't want them all to know I am crying.
A friend sent me an email this evening with an excerpt from a book entitled "Holding on to Hope" As I read through the email my thoughts went back to my Mom and the days right after she died. My heart breaks remembering all of this. When I think about her dying I realize she isn't here anymore. And it's scary. My Mom was the most stable thing in my life. She was my anchor and still a year after she has passed, I'm trying to switch my anchor to Jesus Christ, but it is hard for me for some reason. Very hard....I know that God knows best and has a plan, but it's SO hard for me to see that. How can this be good? How can taking the most important thing in my life away be good? How is me being left alone, good? I just don't get it.
I'm not sure why it's been hitting me so hard lately. I try really hard to cover all the feelings up. I'm sure that the people I work for think I'm weird and crazy. I'm sure they hear me down in my room crying a lot, but to them it must make no sense. A girl who is almost 20, spending her evenings, in her room crying...Something that the book said was how people say things like we should be rejoicing or happy because our loved one is in a better place and not hurting anymore, and even though that is true, it doesn't make the pain go away. I don't want my Mom in heaven right now, I want her here! And I know that must sound SO selfish, but it's the truth...that is the REAL me, everyone! If I can't have her here, I want to be there with her. Heaven seems so far away and like an eternity 'till I will see her again.
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6 comments:
Hi, I found your blog just through some friends' blogs, and wanted to say how amazed I am at your courage and faith. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a parent, and just wanted to let you know how much your story touched me and reminded me of how important it is not to take a second for granted. I'll pray for you and your family...feel free to stop by my blog anytime!
-DoseofJoy
Thank you so much for the comment. I am so glad that the Lord can someway use this for His glory and can touch others.
Thank you for the prayers also!
Danielle,
I can hear your hurt through your words. My heart cries with you. You are not crazy! You say that you are almost 20 as if that should mean you should be stronger, but I see it that you are young and you expected to have more time with your mom. A very fair expectation that was, for some reason, not fulfilled. God understands anger. He understands frustration. He knows you need to grieve. He doesn’t want you to be fake with Him Danielle. He wants authenticity from you, even if that means that you admit you can’t even really talk to Him right that moment. He will never leave you no matter how much you cry, yell, or even give Him the silent treatment. He understands your tears, and I would be willing to bet He is crying some with you. I know your mom is in heaven, and I am sure she likes it there. But even in that perfect place of health, I know she is wishing she had more time with you too, and I can guarantee she is counting the days until she gets to hold you again!
Don’t try and be strong on your own. Cry. Talk it out with someone that you can be real with. Let God use this pain and weakness to grow you into someone that can use it later in life for His glory. But more than anything know that you are not alone or crazy. It may feel like it, but you have my heart in prayer for you, and I have seen that you have other friends are holding you up in prayer. Take that support.
Sincerely,
Chelle
Hi, I am Daughter of Mickinick and I am here to say that I think that you are having hard times. I mean my is leaving on vacation and I am really sad and I am praying for you. People can't say you are crazy because you are crying I mean if their parents died then they would do that to. I think that you are working towards a better relasonship with God and that is really good. i love your writings and you aren't afraid to say anything and that is good you need a place to say things. I hope that you feel better. we are praying. Bye.
I can never top my mom's comments and when I thought i was doing so well!
Precious child of God, I too found you due to a friend. I am a 29year old who lost her mother four years ago, and grandmother two years ago. As I began to read your story I could barely make it thru the first post. I can relate in so many ways. Especially your latest post. I can agree that this life is hell without our mothers, and I don't believe for a moment that Jesus expects us to fake it. May I please say to you that crying is healing and forget about what anyone says or thinks, you have a right to grieve. I had a sister in Christ tell me that my mom couldn't hear or see me so I shouldn't bother talking to her. This hurt so deeply, but I can tell you now that I have begun talking to her again. Yes our relationship with Jesus should always come first, but please don't deny your relationship with your mother. Her love for you is still here somewhere. I wish I could hold you and let you cry. I often feel like I have "used up" my shoulders to cry on, but I assure you though miles may part us I am here for you. Our mother's were and are a precious beautiful part of our lives, and soon enough we will be with them again. Please feel free to email me just to talk. You are not alone and I will pray for you.
Your sister in Christ,
Leslie Reed
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