Monday, February 04, 2008

Without Faith

Over the weekend, Mandy and I did a lot of driving which means, listening to a lot of music. Since Mandy just bought this little tape thing that goes in so she can listen to her ipod, we were able to listen to all the songs we wrote while my Mom was sick.

As I listened to all the songs the memories all came back and filled my head. Some were very good and others just made me think of my Mom laying there in that hospital bed or seeing her after she had passed away, which wasnt good.

One song though that I wrote was right after my Mom was diagnosed. It's actually a funny story sort of, it's very special to me though. Here are the lyrics to the song...

Rumors of War and murders each day
Little ones taken, from their beds where they lay
This world is temporary, it won't last long
There's got to be more, we need hope to go on

Without Faith, we have no hope
And without hope, we have no Peace.
We need you Lord, because on earth
we cant look past our current distress and ask for Faith.

There's a girl on her bed, and she's crying as she writes
Oh, help me dear Lord, and please heal my Mom tonight.
Cancer has her hostage and she's ready to give up.
I'm dying inside because I love her so much

Without faith, we have no hope
And without Hope, we have no Peace.
We need you Lord, because on earth
We cant look past our current distress and ask for Faith

Disaster will hit, and trails will come
Things we cannot handle, but I know you'll overcome

Chorus again

Well, after I had finished writing the song and it was recorded, I let my Mom listen to the song. When hearing it, my Mom had tears in her eyes and said at the end, "I like that song, how does it end though? Does the lady live?" Thinking about this now really upsets me. Because of course, when my Mom said that to me, I knew she had no idea the song was about her. I told her yes...the lady DOES live and she never did know that I wrote that about her, and I WAS the one crying each night as I wrote in my journal. But as much as I get upset over this, it is a really good memory for me to have. It's always a good memory, when I can remember back to having my Mom with me. Although she was sick, she was here. She could sit down and listen to music with me, that's something that she can't do now. And I miss that, a lot!

I think about my situation a lot now and wonder what my Mom would say. Since I am now living away from any parents and am pretty much on my own, I wonder if my Mom would be dissapointed. Upset that all the training she has given me, is almost put to waste. I want others to look at my life and know that my Mom was a God fearing woman, and that she taught me in the Lord. I am afraid though that my life does not show that. I would want my Mom to be pleased with how I am, and I'm just not sure she would be. Oh, how I wish she could just come back. Just to be here with me a few more years. I just want to be with her. I can't even explain how much I miss her. And I try SOO hard to not show it on the outside, to hide my feelings but then, eventually it all just comes out.

Psalm 61:2 "From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I"

1 comment:

Scottie Moser said...

*big hug*

I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your keeper;
the Lord is your shade on your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
The Lord will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.

— Psalm 121, ESV

God be with you, sis. :-)