Thursday, March 29, 2007

It's Hard!

It's incredible to me how some day are just so easy and others seem impossible to get through...I wonder why this is. Some say, the pain goes away, and others say the pain never goes away. Some say if I was closer to the Lord it would go away. What is it? Why do I hurt all the time? Why isn't this pain leaving? It's been 3 months and I would have thought the pain would have lessened. No one knows what really is going on with me. I wear a smile all the time, well most of the time, but inside I'm crying wanting her back, just to be with her, to tell her things, to love her. I can't though, she isn't coming back....I realize I will see my Mom again, but I wonder how long? If I miss her this much after 3 months, how will 3 years be? I've never loved anyone as much as I love her, so to have her just taken from me is horrible.

Lately, it seems that most people that were in my life have been taken away. I'm not sure why or for what reason, but close friends and some family have just kind of gone away. But what has become stronger is the relationship between my sisters and I. I was riding in the car with Tara yesterday and it was quite a long drive so we had tons of time to talk about Mom...everytime I'm with her she wants to talk about her, it's not easy for me all the time. So yesterday, Tara asked me why God would take was so hard because I didn't know the reason. I told Tara that God has a plan and that we will one day see good come from this, but at the moment it's hard...I'm telling her this with tears running down my face wondering myself, why Mom??? But I can't...I have seen good already and I told Tara Dad now has Jesus in his heart and will also see my Mom again. I just pray that Tara will also change her life and will be able to see my Mom again. Being a christian we have some hope when a brother or sister in Christ dies because we know we will see them, but I can't imagine going through something like this without Him...there would be no hope. The Lord is working on Tara's heart though.

Jesus told us that he will never leave us or forsake us...that is so comforting to know, because, as I have experienced, friends will leave, family goes, but God is forever! No losing him! I want to hold on to that, because in a world today where everything is temporary, I get so discouraged. God is good!

"Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not grow tired, they will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:31


Lora said...

It's crazy, isn't it, how hard it can be to walk where He leads. But he LEADS, instead of just watching from a long way off. I'm so glad he walks with us; it makes it so much better.

Anonymous said...

You're in my thought again...or perhaps I should say you are STILL in my thoughts!