Today has been hard...and I can vent here, right? No one reads this blog anymore anyway....I'm just going to vent.... I absolutely love and adore my son! I honestly never knew I could love one person so much. It's weird...with his birthday coming up, in just 15 days, I've been doing lots of preparation for his party and just a lot of thinking about him and his life.
Well today my Dad called and says, "Danielle, I'm thinking I shouldn't come up for his party, I'll just come to his party here in MO. (he already told me he'd come up for this one in IL, it's the BIG party, plus he's only been here once, a week after layton was born.) So he asked what I thought and I told him it's not my decision and just to make up his mind and do it....that's when the tears began to fall. i SOOo badly wanted my Dad and stepmom and brothers to be here for this...not just for the party but to see my life up here. To see Layton's room, to see Layton play in his OWN house. I ended up just getting off the phone quickly...my Dad isn't good with crying and by this time it was very evident I was crying and I just couldn't talk. I got off the phone with him and just sobbed....layton of course runs over to me and laughs..he ALWAYS laughs when I'm crying...funny i guess. ;) I just snuggled him up and held him as tight as I could.
that's when my brain got me into trouble.......i started thinking....WHY CANT MY MOM BE HERE? She would have been the BEST grandma. Even when I was 16 she talked to me about having my own kids and how much she looked forward to grandchildren. She talked about helping me homeschool them and just doing stuff with them. She would LOVE Layton...I know it...She loved babies anyway, but Layton...oh boy, he would steal her heart. ;(
His others grandmas are wonderful and they love him, so this is not a downing session on them, it's just that both Angie and Aarons Mom, Lonna, have little kids. They both have 4 year olds and don't seem "ready" to be Grandma's since they are raising their own kids. (that sounds mean, but my heart isn't to be mean here) Grandparents just seem like they are supposed to be old...my Mom would have been older, no kids, she would have had so much time to devote to him. ;( I want that....i want that so bad!
My Dad has no idea how badly he has hurt me and I can't tell him....I never feel like he "loves" layton...I hate that...I want him to have a grandpa on my side that enjoys being with him so much....I want so much for him and I feel like I'm failing in that area because I cant give him grandparents that have lots of time for him...I wish though. I wish so badly.
No one will know this hurt...I'll wipe the tears and go to bed and act like I never wrote this even though inside part of me is still aching. I hurt.....so much! It's like the bandaids i keep putting over my wounds keep falling off and the pain overwhelms me over and over again. Jesus, PLEASE heal my heart. Take my pain. And THANK YOU, for my son. I lOVE HIM!
