Cant sleep...

It's been a long time since I've been at this point where I am so tired but still even laying in bed cant get myself to fall asleep. I keep reliving what happened today over and over in my head.

And one of the saddest things for me right now is, as I was laying in bed, aching all over, I tried to remember my Mom. And was thinking, what she would do in this situation. How she would just hold me and cry with me and tell me everything would be okay, but the memory was so faded. ;( I dont want to forget my Mom. But as I try to remember back it's very hard for me to even remember certain things now. I cant even picture what she would do. I have my hopes of what would happen, but I tried visualizing it and nothing came. That got me so upset. I NEVER want to forget her and I am afraid that slowly I will.

I can remember her laugh and can picture her crying, but for some reason it is hard to picture us together. Which I hate. When I DO remember back to her and think of her smile and the way she would just hug me and share her dreams for my life it devastates me. To think I'll never see her face again. Never hear her laugh, never be held by her, it's So hard.

I'm going to be very honest with you all. Today in my accident I was hoping I would have just died. It feels like it would have been easier. Then I could have been with my Mom. But just like my Mom, I would have left those I love. A friend pointed that out to me. (I am not saying I am of ANY importance) but.... it would still be hard for my siblings to lose a Mom and then a sister. I couldnt imagine if anything were to happen to Mandy or Tara. So, I am very thankful to the Lord for being gracious to me there and for protecting Lane.

It will have almost been one year since my Mom died. I thought I was doing good with handling everthing, but I'm afriad I covered up all I was feeling with staying busy. I didnt want to think about my Mom or the fact that she wasnt here. But I knew it would catch up with me sooner or later. And now with only 4 days till Christmas, it's finally hit me and I realize the most important person in my life will be gone this Christmas and I'm going to have to bear it anyway and try to keep a smile on my face. AND, a day or so after Christmas I am planning on going to my Mom's grave. I have never been and am very scared. But I need to do this. I know I've said this before and I chickened out..but hopefully this time I'll be able to.

Life is a precious thing, dont ever take it for granted!