Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas Mom....

Well, todays the day, the day that tons of people have been waiting for and looking forward to, the one day in year, where it's like all your problems disappear and you can smile and seem like a happy family. At least I thought we could. But even if we wear a smile on our face, our heart shows we are hurting, or at least I AM hurting. I tried So hard today, to not even think about my Mom to just concentrate on other things but I just cant. As I was laying on my bed and writing in my journal, my memories slipped back to last Christmas. When I thought it would be the worse Christmas of my life. Little did I know that just one short year later, I would be in a totally new house, with new people and not my Mom. I would never have thought that. And to think that I'd be going through the things I am and being faced with the sorts of things I am. It was just unfathomable then. I liked it better then.....

As I am typing this, I have my Mom's quilt laying over me and I can glance down and see all the encouraging blocks others did. There's one right here that says, "Bless the Lord...who healeth all they diseases. Ps. 103:2,3" and others saying, "Consider the lilies of the field", "I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands Isaiah 49:16", another saying "Born Again to a Living Hope" (which was where we got our Production Company name from) and then there is mine.

It's hard for me to think about last Christmas. It was right around that time when the Doctor was first telling us about hospice. I was almost yelling at him I was so upset. I did NOT want my Mom on hospice, to me it was almost like giving up. And so in our meeting with him, I asked him if anyone had ever come out of Hospice and he said no. Then I immediately said, "okay, let's do it then, because my Mom ALWAYS beats the odds...she WILL live!" I feel so foolish now for even thinking like this. I wonder how many other things in my life are there that I am SO confident about and really the Lord has other plans for me. I honestly dont even like thinking about it, it's scary. The Lord said He would not give us more than we can handle, but I'm telling you, lately it sure feels like I am at my limit. I feel like I cant take any more.

For Christmas, my Dad and Angie got my sister and I a heart shaped locket. They are very pretty and each engraved with our initial. And then today we each put a picture of my Mom in it. She'll always be close to my heart now. It was a very special gift, something I'll remember forever. In about an hour we have to go to my Grandparents house. I am usually very excited about this, but once again I am afraid about the memories this time. Last Christmas, we were at the hospital with my Mom. And then around 1:00 my Dad picked us up from there and took up to our grandparents. The plan was to stay there then spend the time with him. Well, at my grandparents house, I just went in the back bedroom and layed on the bed there and cried, the WHOLE time. It was so bad. For some reason, that night I had this fear that, what if she passed away, and I would be gone. Christmas Day was like the first time I had left my Mom since she was sick. So it was very hard for me. My brother ended up finding me in the room crying and went to get my Dad. He came back and talked to me some and he could tell I missed my Mom so much. So I got to call and talk to David, since my Mom was unable to talk by this time. And after talking to David, my Dad decided he would just take me back to the Hospital so I could be with her. Oh how I wish to go back to that night....just to be with her. I'm sorry I just cant even explain it. I better just stop writing I am in hysterics right now.

"Unto thee, O Lord, do I lift up my soul. O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me. Yea, let none that wait on thee be ashamed: let them be ashamed which transgress without cause. Shew me thy ways, O Lord; teach me thy paths. Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day." Psalm 25:1-5



Dear Danielle,

Keep trusting in God and leaning on Him. What a wonderful testimony you have. I'll be praying for you!


Bethany said...

Thanks for sharing Danielle, I'm praying for you. I know how painful memories like those can be.

Love you,

alyssaknibb said...

Dear Danielle,
I don’t really know what to say because I haven’t been through all you’re going through. I can’t pretend that I understand, but I can offer you the hope that we have as Christians. The only source of hope we have is Jesus and his words to us in the Bible. You can be assured that Jesus knows exactly what you are going through and he is there for you and he cares. I Peter 5:7 says, “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” He cries every tear you cry and he longs for the day when he can wipe all your tears away. “He will swallow up death forever. The sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces.” (Isaiah 25:8) I Corinthians 15:54-57 says, “Where O death is your victory? Where O death is your sting? But thanks be to God. He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” Death has no power over Christians; it’s just a means of bringing us to our real home in heaven where God wipes away our every tear and there’s no more death, mourning, crying, or pain. (Rev 21:4) By faith you know that you will see your mom again. Having faith means you can be sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see. (Heb 11:1) Paul tells us in I Thessalonians 4 not to grieve in the same way as unbelievers who have no hope, but to remember that the dead in Christ will rise again as we also will do. Your mother belonged to God in life, and she belongs to him in death. (Rom 14:8) You can trust that God truly knows what is best for her and for you even though we can’t even begin to comprehend it. God will strengthen your faith and your relationship with him during these difficult years. He will put his arms around you and enable you to be strong and put your trust in him because his kingdom cannot fail. I grieve with you in the loss of your mother, and I am praying for you. God will help you through this.