Today, I went to Mandy's house to help her watch her kids, but on the way home, Hanah fell asleep so it was just me in the car and well, it's been a long time since I've just driven anywhere by myself, so since this drive was longer than just the usual run to Wal-Mart, I had lots of time to think...which is scary. I don't know how my mind does it, but in those quiet times I have, it's like my Mom immediately pops into my head and I dwell on the fact she is not here anymore, and as the tears run down my face I try hard to "get myself together" but it's hard, SO hard, and the tears just keep falling.
It seems like over the last month I've tried REAL hard to not let myself cry about my Mom not being here, and typically I move the thought out of my head as soon as it comes in, it's too hard to think about her. Today wasn't that way though.
I don't know why now, all of a sudden I am so upset, but I am. And the fact that my Mom isn't coming back here and I'll never see her again on earth, hurts so bad. It doesn't seem right that I would have grandparents in their 70's still alive but my Mom died in her 40's. Or to see women that are 60 or so and still have their Moms. I understand that this thinking is so selfish of me, I know I am wrong, but I'm trying to be honest with you all so you can understand a little better why this is hard.
It's like time is going so fast since she died, and I don't want it to be that way . Mandy has had TWO birthdays without Mom now, and I've already had two jobs, one car accident, one REALLY hard time, where I needed my Mom so bad, but all these things were done, without her here. I think about things like, My Mom will never know the guy I marry (If I get married), she wont know my kids, she'll barely know me. She doesn't know me now, and wont know how I'll be in 10 years. All of this is hard for me. I wish I could have a do over, and I could be the daughter to her that I know how to be now. One that respects her and honors her ALL the time and doesn't question her decisions. One that loves unconditionally and stays with her all the time. But.....I can't be. I guess I had my chance.
I guess the more I dwell on this the more I'll cry, I better quit now. I hope this somehow lets you in a little more to "my world" Also I must say, I know almost everyone is out there hurting over someone or something. I'm not the only girl without a Mom. I know some of you have lost children, grandparents, siblings, pets...so you know somewhat what I'm dealing with. I in no way think I am hurting more than you, just needed to get this out. :(
Revelation 14:13 "And I heard a voice from heaven saying unto me, Write, Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from henceforth: Yea, saith the Spirit, that they may rest from their labours; and their works do follow them."
Psalm 116:15 "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints."
Romans 8:18 "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us"
4 comments:
Danielle:
I know, this time it´s hard for you, but you know? You are not alone, the Lord tell you: Danielle behold,I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands. A lot of people love you and care you. Sometimes we don´t understand that the Lord made or wants to show us. You are a strong lady, I could see.
And the LORD shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not.
Isaiah 58:11
with love,
Teresa
Danielle:
I know, this time it´s hard for you, but you know? You are not alone, the Lord tell you: Danielle behold,I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands. A lot of people love you and care you. Sometimes we don´t understand that the Lord made or wants to show us. You are a strong lady, I could see.
And the LORD shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not.
Isaiah 58:11
with love,
Teresa
Danielle:
I know, this time it´s hard for you, but you know? You are not alone, the Lord tell you: Danielle behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands. A lot of people love you and care you. Sometimes we don´t understand that the Lord made or wants to show us. You are a strong lady, I could see.
And the LORD shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not.
Isaiah 58:11
with love,
Teresa
I know it's hard. And I know I have no idea what you're going through. But if it helps at all, remember that nobody dies too early or too late. Your mom did everything on this earth that God intended her to. And everything that you did with her, everything that you were for her, your entire relationship with her was all exactly as God intended.
Sure, there are things you'd do differently if you had a chance — but the fact is, what's done is done, and God will be glorified by it in ways we can't possibly imagine.
Your mother did not die too early, and forty, fifty, sixty, seventy-year-olds do not die too late. Life and death are in the hands of the Lord and no other. His plan for your mom was not cut short — it was completed perfectly as He desired. His plan for you, though woven with hers for a time, is not hurt by this loss but rather strengthened and perfected.
Sis, I know it hurts. I know encouragement seems meaningless. I have not walked through the trials you're facing, but I know the desire to unmake or redo or change history or fix something that is beyond repair. Loss, remorse, guilt, despair ... all are crushing forces far too great for any human to bear. But take heart — you don't have to bear them, at least not alone. All you can see right now is one tile in a vast mosaic of history, and as dark and ugly as this one tile looks, it is perfect in God's sight, because it is a part of His perfect and beautiful plan. One day we will see it. Today all we can do is hope.
Have faith, sis. I know you've said before on your blog that you feel as though you don't even have as much faith as a mustard seed ... but you don't need to quantify your faith. Just hold on to God. He will give you the faith you need, and He will never stretch you beyond what you can — and must — endure.
I'm praying for you, sis. May you find peace and comfort in the healing arms of our perfect Father.
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