Mom

Today has been one of the hardest days with missing my Mom. I am not exactly sure why, but honestly it's just extremely hard. I know these posts get redundant because I always mention missing her, but I don't know what else to do. Writing is like therapy for me. My older sister just last week mentioned reading my blog, this of course shocked me and I got very embarrassed. She asked why I even had a blog if I didn't want people to read it. The truth is, I'm scared for people I REALLY know, to know what's going on inside, but those of you who read and haven't really gotten to know me, are okay. Because I'm more of a made up person in your head.

Anyway, yesterday Sage and John came from Oklahoma to come up for Mandy's party. Well I have talked with Sage before and she said if she comes she would like to see pictures and old videos and such of my Mom and to hear stories. Well of course I thought I'd love it, because I don't want the memory of my Mom just slipping away. So, last night we started looking at some pictures and were talking about her and then this morning my Dad was talking to them about her dying and how much it hurt him and I just couldn't take it. I know my Dad says it hurt him, but it really hurt me to. Sometimes I can't just freely talk about it, it gets very difficult for me at some points. And then to make things a little worse, Mandy and Sage are headed to my Mom's grave right now. I've been once and invited Mandy but she wasn't ready, so a friend too me. Well, that was the last time and I feel like I am ready to go back, she is my Mom and even though she isn't in the grave, it was the last place I left her. :( But I don't have my own vehicle and I can't just go, and I never asked Mandy since she always said she wasn't ready, so today has just been difficult. I didn't know they had this planned to go, and Mandy really wanted to be by herself, well I mean just her and Sage, so I'm trying to understand that, it's hard, but I guess we are all different.

Well, Lane is trying to get me to go ride bikes with him, so I better wipe the tears away and just forget about this. I'm wallowing in my own pity I guess.

I love you Mom and miss you So much! ;(