Hold My Heart

Recently I heard this song by Tenth Avenue North called "Hold My Heart" It's becoming one of my favorites I think! Thought I'd just share the lyrics with you.....

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long till I see your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say you are
Wont You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
Cause I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to Me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?

So many questions without answer, your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear you call my name.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.

The second verse in this song seems so real to me. Afraid to close my eyes, because soon it could slip away. For awhile after my Mom died, it was even hard for me to truly love someone because I was afraid God would just take them. I can't live with that fear though... He's holding my heart! <3

Nothingness...

It's been forever since I've blogged, hasn't it? Since I've moved to IL it's seemed weird to keep a blog though. For various reasons actually....since I have time now and want to write though, I figured I'd update you here! :)

Life has slowed down a lot since canning season. The younger ones have started school again and Jordan is working a lot of hours for a farmer, but as for me I'm kind of just existing. I work part time for a couple near us but other than that I try to help out around home. I don't do that much though, so there is a LOT of room for improvement! I think I have to change my mindset though because right now it's hard for me to get involved with the school work for the kids and to try to be creative to do things with the younger ones. Pray for me! :) I almost feel like right now that I'm "stuck" (that sounds bad, but I don't mean like stuck here or anything..i love it here) what I mean is that I feel like there should be a greater purpose in life for me than what I am doing now. And yes, that is my own fault, cause obviously I am not doing it, but I need guidance. Awhile ago Mom bought me a Bright Lights group study so that I could be preparing to start my own group. I've about read through all the material but at the same time I feel inadequate to even lead one and then my faith must be so small cause it's hard for me to believe God will bring anyone. :( Once again, please be praying!

Oh well, while I'm thinking of it, I thought I'd post a link to a video I watched a few weeks ago. Most of you have probably already seen it, but my family and I thought it was incredible! THE BUTTERFLY CIRCUS . I have to remember God has each of our lives in His hand and it's a journey and he's turning us all into something beautiful! :) He has a plan AND a purpose!

In the last two weeks I was working on another song too. There was a stretch of about 2 days that I was struggling with missing my Mom in Heaven. For some reason writing helps me a lot when I get like that. So I wrote..but this time tried to write it from a perspective of someone hurting, but not just ME hurting. Anyone who has gone through something hard. When writing a few people came to mind. Friends who have had cancer affect their life somehow, a friend I knew who was in a serious car wreck, and those who have had young children taken from them. ALL of them hurt and I'm sure ask similar questions I ask. After finishing the song though someone asked me why I write just "sad" songs. It really offended me at first but I think the thing is we write what we know. And me being who I am, I write when I'm sad and so with that combination, sad songs come about! :) Do you all think there is something wrong with writing about pain and hurting though? I'm not negative in it....well, I'll let you be the judge. Here's the chorus to the song.

"I still hurt, I still cry...All of this time and I still don't know why
It's still real, life just goes on...But God is the healer of my life and those that are gone"

When writing this song I wanted to show that even though you are a Christian and the one who was taken was a Christian, it's still difficult losing them. But we do have an anchor holding us and to comfort us. There is hope!

Well I'm kind of just rambling on and on I guess. I have a few events in the upcoming few months that I'm pretty excited about. My sister is about to have her baby, any day now so I can't wait for that and then my other sister from MO is coming up here for Thanksgiving so that will be really great. I'm looking forward to having her see into my life up here a little bit! :) And then in December a dear friend of mine is getting married back in MO, so my family here will be traveling back for that! I can't wait!!!! So a lot of fun and exciting things planned!

Hope you all have been having a great fall! Oh and check out my other blog for some pictures from a recent hike we had at the Nachusa Grasslands! :)

oh btw...the pic at the top is of me and my friend Anna. We met this summer and she's been a great friend. My family has really been enjoying getting together with theirs! :) Just figured I should explain the random pic I posted! ;)

Walk Down Memory Lane

Last month I took a week trip down to Missouri to celebrate my birthday with my family there. I had a great time with them and they had a neat idea planned for me for my 21st birthday. Tara, Mandy and Joan sat down ahead of time and tried to think of lots of places that were important to me growing up, or that had funny memories tied to them. As most people know I have about the WORST memory so some of these places took refreshers for me so I could remember where I was at! :D (not too many though) Very sadly though, almost all the places have either been knocked down or have changed companies, so if you see me outside a "Bed, Bath, and Beyond" don't think it's just a great store to me...it didn't USED to be that! ;) I'll explain under each picture though! :) Hope you enjoy this little peak into my past though!

Tara's house! Lot's of my time was spent here before moving up here

This little cabin/shed thing was on the property I lived on from the time I was 15 to when I moved to my Dads. It was an ugly old shed though, and we completely redid it! This holds a lot of memories though! We would all work on this as a family each night, and this was where we saw the first signs of my Mom not talking right and knew something was wrong. We had ideas for a long time after she died calling it "Peri's Playhouse" and having it as a store selling canned things we made and quilts and stuff

Me and my dog, Macy!!!! Greatest dog, left her in MO though!

This is my Dad's house where I lived for about a year a half...that's Lane with me!

The mall! ;) Spent too much time here growing up!

This is the paint store my Dad has been doing business with for EVER! At least as long as I've been alive! :) We used to go up quite often to see everyone and Mandy and I would always look through all the wallpaper books. lol

Mid Rivers Christian Church. This was the church I went to for most of my 'younger' life. Did TONS of plays and things here, guess this is where I first started acting. ;) This was a big time memory for Tara too!

LOL, the library! This is more of a joke place. I did go to the library quite often, but I think it made the top 21 places because I never could find my way there. It was only a mile from my house, but I am directionally challenged and well, it was just hard for me to get to! :)

Gou-Jon Academy of Dance...I spent most of my life here. :) As you can see it's currently nothing right now. My dance teacher passed away and they closed down, but I spent 6 days out of the week here for many MANY years.

Pundman Ford! Not sure why we always had to go to this Ford dealership, but we did. Every vehicle we bought I think came from here, except our little bug! They always gave out free popcorn here! :)

The sign says JJ's but when I was younger it was known as "The Roadhouse" Think I only ate there once but my Mom liked this place and Mandy and Tara seemed to remember it a ton! I don't remember liking it very much though! :)

Dance Techniques West...my first dance studio. I was not even 2 years old starting dance here. It has also closed down, but I have fond memories from that studio! :) I was young when I left though, 8 or so.

Can't explain this picture too much, but I came here quite a bit with my Mom when I was a lot younger. Holds quite a few memories. And right on the other side of this building was a VERY CREEPY cemetery, that always scared Mandy and me!

This was Phar-Mor (could be spelled wrong) I was young when it changed but I have one distinct memory from here...! I was 4 and my brother was pretending to play "beauty shop" with me at home before leaving and I told him not to really cut it and he said okay, but as we are walking into this store, my Mom noticed that a chunk of my hair had been cut out right in the back, my hair had been really long and he cut it quite short! Let's just say she was NOT happy with Kyle, but was able to hide the missing piece of hair! :)

The house I grew up in! :)

Our mailbox! :)

My neighbor's house. Clark and Kathleen Meyers and they had 3 girls that we'd play with all the time! :) Kathleen babysat us sometimes too! :)

THEN......and NOW! This picture was taken at City Hall in St. Peters. We'd go there all the time to get pics taken! Joan and my Mom would get us all dressed up and then just taken us to the park here and get pictures! The first one was taken in the same park when I was around 5 or so.

Chad Theatrical...this was where we bought our dance shoes and leotards and stuff! :)

Can't forget this place! :) Fritz's Frozen Custard! Our favorite place to go for ice cream..and we went OFTEN! :)

I've got a lot more pictures from the park that I'll probably post tomorrow! It'll just be a separate post though for the pictures. :) Hope you enjoyed the walk! ;) Oh, and I didn't take all the pictures, Joan had her camera, so she has more of the 21 places! :)

SMILE

Today I was doing my most favorite thing...canning....YEA RIGHT! :D Let's just say that canning is NOT on my list of "likes" but it's something that has to be done and I need to learn to like it. So, yea...I'm still working on that! ;) I had a pretty bad attitutude about it earlier today though and finally had to just change my thinking and it became fun today working with Mom making the salsa and cutting up the tomatoes and peppers. God gave me a little "smile" today too, so that 'kept me goin' :) Isn't God GOOD! :)

(Just so you know, I did NOT do anything to this pepper...this is how it looked when I opened it up! That'd cheer anyone up, right? :) Thanks God!)

My Princess Party!

I can't begin to tell you what an amazing day I had yesterday! :) My family definitely gave me the "royal" treatment! :) On Monday they made me go to bed by 11:00 telling me that even princesses have bedtimes! ;) I had no idea they were going to stay up and DECORATE! :) Tuesday morning was perfect though. They had me close my eyes as I came down the stairs to find the prettiest dining room ever! :) They had used pink sheer fabric around the windows and doors with white lights in it to make a very "pretty" soft look to it.

There were flower petals all over the floor and heart swirly things from the ceiling fan. Floating candles in a clear bowl with pink water and sparkley confetti stuff on the table! Just PERFECT! Mom did an amazing job sewing all the dresses and outfits for the boys! She really outdid herself on this! I am definitely not worth all that she did for me to make my day extra special! We had a fun time getting ready for the party and then around 1:30 or so we started it! :)

(The head piece is NOT part of the outfit!)

(Honored guest...Esau...lol)

(Dad and Me)

(The girls with Dad)

Mom with the help of Gabrielle and Jess I think made a delicious mexican meal! (my favorite!) Dad had to leave quick after eating for work so we did gifts real quick right there! :) Some were uh...umm...quite embarrassing! (Some pics I just CANT post) They were funny though, and well...I think it was JAMIE'S idea! :D My family got me very nice things though and one in particular was a scrapbook for the party. Mom got all different stickers and things for it! So we got quite a few pictures to fill the book! :) Oh, and Mom made me a shirt! I thought she had bought it cause it looked SO good, but she didnt! It's perfect though! ;)(Can anyone guess who I got this from?..JESS AND JAMIE)

(the gift....ahh!)

After gifts we had a "funny" time dancing! :D None of us really know what we are doing when it comes to that, but we tried anyway! :D Christian was somewhat willing to learn but Jordan just liked to twirl me around as fast as he could and get me SO dizzy! Mom was even getting into it! ;)

(Mom, Me and Gabrielle)

So after dancing we had cake, oooooh So good! Mom made a heart shaped cake but it was chocolate with reeses peanut butter cups in it!!! DELICIOUS!!! :)


After eating we took some cake to our neighbors, Dale and Addie. Addie is very sick but I had promised her that we'd go over in our outfits to show her. I'm not even sure she remembered me, but she definitely knows Mom, so it was a treat I think for her to see everyone so dressed up...or those who STAYED in their outfits! :P We had decided that it'd only be fitting to watch a princess movie that night so ALL dressed up we went to the movie store in town to pick out one! :D We got quite the looks but the girl there was really nice to us, maybe she thought we were royalty! Jordan was too embarrassed of us though, so he stayed in the van. :D

(This was at night...it looked SO pretty!)

When we got home I changed out of my dress and got to do what I love most, well almost most...RIDING! :) Jordan took Gabrielle and I riding for a couple hours. I'm seriously thinking it's my new favorite thing to do! Can't even describe how much I love galloping through the farmers field, seems like the whole world is disappearing and its just me and my horse! :) LOVE IT! :)

Anyway....on to the party! :) We finished the night by watching "Princess Protection Program" Surprisingly it was pretty good! :) If my family reads this...Thanks SO much for the wonderful birthday! :) And for treating me like a princess! :) Love you all!(This is Mom's great grandma's necklace that she let me wear)