Monday, October 01, 2007

"Happy Birthday Mom"

I've really been thinking a lot how my blog has sort of turned into some sad blog, instead of the hope I had before. And So, I was determined to do a "nice" post, but then, my mind started wondering again and my emotions started rolling...and well, now I have
this post. Tomorrow will be my Mom's birthday and the first one without her. It's going to be VERY hard. I decided to go back to the post that I made on my Mom's birthday last year. Here is what I said...


MRI and BIRTHDAY

Okay, I'm sorry it's been awhile since I have wrote anything. I've been waiting until today though, so I could let you know something about the MRI results. Well, I'm sorry to say this, but I still can't tell you very much. Just because, I don't know very much. I have what I think, but I could be 100% wrong. What is looks like to me is that the tumors have either stayed the same or shrunk, but the swelling is much greater. On the pictur e, almost half of her brain is taken up by gray, when the rest of the brain is black. So we aren't sure if that is the tumor or the swelling. We are really praying it is the swelling. It makes since it would be the swelling.

I had a long talk with David last night, and we both said that no matter what the results said, we wouldn't stop believing that God is going to heal my Mom. H e does what gets most glory to him, and through my finite brain, it seems that he would get so much glory this way. There are many friends of ours, that would almost mock us with somet hing were to happen to my Mom, because we didn't use traditional medicine. Also, things as far as custody of my sister and I would be such a disaster. I hope I never have to go through that. So, no matter what, as long as my Mom is still breathing, I will believe that God is going to heal her. Or, I am praying that I can always believe that. When things get tough it is hard to always think that way. I want to give up and lose hope, or run away from my problems, but that never changes anything. I have to rely on the Lord for my strength, and know that he will get me through it.

On a better note, my Mom's birthday was really good! I think she enjoyed it more than she would have thought she could. We had lots of visitors today and lots of cards and flowers showing up. It was so nice to see my Mom getting excited. She hasn't been so happy for a long time. Instead of going out to eat, like we do for b-days, we bought steaks and grilled them at home. The Lord blessed us with great weather today , in the upper 80's, maybe even the 90's. It was just a really good day.

Tomorrow, I get to look forward to laundry and packing, OH and cleaning and cooking. Those are a given though. :) I'm also looking forward to cutting my Mom's hair tomorrow. I cut mine tonight, but that was a first...and a last. I won't do that agai n. It 's too hard, I'll stick with other people's hair. Hopefully mine will grow out soon!

Thank you everyone who has been leaving comments on my blog and has been praying. May the Lord bless all of you!

Love, Danielle

______________________________________________________

As sick as my Mom was then, I wish I could go back to having her here, with cancer or without. That is so selfish of me I know, but my heart aches for her. At least then, I could tell her how much I love her and everything else she should know. I was told many times from people that, the 6 weeks mark is the hardest, or the 3 month mark, well to l et you all know, for me, its not getting ANY easier. Almost harder, and I dont understand why. Am I doing something wrong? I try to hide my pain a lot, but I'm afraid it still shows through. I dont th ink the hurt will ever leave.

I dont know what to write now...I feel as you know all of this, it's like I write the same things everytime. And I'm sorry about that. I just wonder why I am taking this SO hard for so long. Last week my sisters and I went to a wedding shower, and on the way Tara wanted to talk about Mom. I thought I would be fine, but I wasnt. I couldnt stop cry ing. So, I glared out the window trying to hold back tears so Mandy or Tara wouldnt see me. The thing is, I dont cry like, Oh I miss my Mom type of cry, it's like, I cant go on, type of cry. I think since my Mom died I've had this void in my life. A void that can only be filled by Jesus Christ. And maybe untill I do that, I'm gonna have this hurt. I am not sure. Even if the pain doesnt go away, I know that having Jesus fill that spot is what I need. I cant look for it in memories of my Mom, family, friends, or activities. Just HIM! Please pray for me as I try to do this.

Well... it will be her birthday tomorrow, so I was going to post a few pictures that were from her birthday 2 years ago. Before she was ever sick. When things were good, and we were all happy! I have to remember...I'll see her again! :(




Happy Birthday Mom! I love you and miss you very much!

-Danielle

1 comment:

Chris said...

1Thes 4:13-18
But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.

Wherefore comfort one another with these words.

I haven's suffered as deep a personal loss as you have. But I do know the I can't continue on feeling all to well. don't bottle it up have a good cry and get it all out pour out your soul to our heavenly father and know that He came to earth in part simply so that we can know He went through and experienced and knows all the sorrow that we have. He knows how miserable it is here on earth and He knows how sad and hard it is for you.