As you all can probably imagine, I figured yesterday would have been awful for me. Wasn't sure how I'd get through the day or even want to do anything. And that's how it was in the morning. I struggled a lot. Had some pretty bad thoughts, and a lot of pain, but certain people were very encouraging to me and I thank God for them. :)
Our plan for the day was to go out to eat with my brother and sister and Joan, a friend of our families. ( Actually she was my Mom's best friend ) So and before doing that, Tara had the idea of buying a tree and planting it in memory of my Mom. So, that was the plan!!! :)
So Mandy and I really had nothing going on at home, so we decided to leave early. We had a few places we wanted to go and then thought of more as we were out. We went and visited my Mom's doctor. He is the nicest man. We wanted to just say Hi and tell him about our upcoming movie premiere. He knew that we had made a film and said he wanted to see it. Well, we loved seeing him. And he took us back into the kitchen area and just sat down to talk with us, it was so neat. Then from there we went to the Hospice place and sat and talked with our "social worker" for 30 min. proba
bly. She will be coming to the premiere, along with some other Hospice employees. 
It was really neat to see them, and when we walked in, they all remembered us, and my Mom was only on Hospice a week.So after making those stops and a few extra, we went to plant the tree. The school where Tara works said it would be fine to plant it there and they also said they would donate a memorial stone to put out by it. So....it was Tara, Mandy, Joan, Jason..which is Tara's boyfriend, and me all out there trying to dig this hole for our tulip tree. It HAD rained like the night before but the ground was still hard as ever! :( So, we all took turns trying to break the ground and dig this hole. After Tara tried, I decided to try jumping on the shovel! :) I did that a few times..still no hole.
Then Tara held on to me and I stood up on the shovel and I jumped up and down SEVERAL times...still no hole. THEN, we had the brilliant idea to have Mandy jump on my back and THEN I jump up and down with Tara holding on to me...guess what! STILL no hole. 
I couldn't believe it. Thankfully, Jason WAS with us, and he took over. Witithin 10 minutes probably he had the hole dug, and that's without jumping up and down or carrying someone on his back! ;)
So, then it was time for us to plant the tree. It ended up looking very nice. So, then it was time for our next thing. Mandy and I had bought a "thinking of you" card for my Mom for us all to write in. So, after writing my message in the card, and havi
ng just planted the tree, I lost it. I HATE having people see me cry too, so I just walked away and got in the van to be alone and thinking "hopefully" no one will see me. I just miss her SO much! So, we all went back to Tara's house, and we were going to let off the card then. We had also bought one Happy Birthday balloon to tie to the card and let go. Well...bad news! The card was too heavy and it just fell to the ground. :( I couldnt believe it. I tried ripping up part of the card, where we hadn't wrote to make it lighter, that didnt work. Then someone suggested tearing it, (like that was going to make it lighter) well, I tried, and once again, failed. SO...we then had a very ugly looking card, torn, and sort of shredded. :( We decided that we needed MORE balloons. :) So, everyone went to the restaurant to meet Kyle and Taryn there (brother and future sis in law) and Mandy and I went back to Deals to get 4 more balloons! :) By this time, it was getting dark, and ready to storm! :( 
So the wind was VERY strong and we knew the card would be taken off by the balloons. :) So when we got to the restaurant we called Tara and Kyle and had them come out. Joan also came to take some pics. :) 
We all held on to it then on the count of 3 we let it go and said "happy birthday" well...then I cried some more. Watching the balloons just drift away was hard. Kind of felt like letting HER go. I know it doesnt make sense, but it was HARD.
Well, having our waiter really lightened up the night for us. He was very...umm, just different, but very nice!
He was lots of fun to all of us! And kept us laughing...a TON. Tara brought an ice cream cake for all of us and then after eating it, 
Joan had a gift for each of us. I couldn't believe it. She is SO thoughtful. She gave me an angel and she said I was the last to buy for because she knew she needed JUST the thing. The card that came tied around the angel said, "Though words alone can't ease you loss, Nor take away your pain; This Angel lays its gentle hand to comfort and sustain" I thought it was perfect! 
I hugged her and cried and she just whispered to me, "Danielle, you and Mandy are so fortunate, you got the best years with your Mom...Tara and Kyle missed out. She loved you SO much" That just made me cry even more. I was crying because of the gift, but also all the hurt came out again.
So although I did cry a lot, I think a lot of deep down hurt came out and I actually feel a little better! :) By the time we left the restaurant it was pouring out...I had parked around back too, so Mandy and I had to run in the drenching rain! :) But that's not the worst. From the restaurant, we had to get some things from Wal-Mart, so, by the time I parked... :), it was REALLY REALLY pouring outside. And we looked at each other and just decided to go for it! ..Oh, I wasn't parked close either! ;) So we did it. Mandy actually stopped and took off her sandals and RAN barefoot in the parking lot. Which sounds crazy but was a good idea, because I was slipping all over in my flip flops, they get slippery when they are wet! :) By the time we made it to the door, we were drenched. Everyone was staring at us and knew we were crazy for even trying to make it. Our hair was wet, umm...all of our clothes were wet, it was awful. All the staring we got and lots of questions from people..."Woah, you guys got REALLY wet" or there were some "Is it raining outside??" :D Umm... YES!!! :) It was a lot of fun though, besides being freezing cold it was a nice way to end our day! :) We thought of Mom's poor card though...for sure it's all wet and gross now. :(
So...that was my day! Exciting, huh??? Hope you all aren't too bored with reading about it. Oh, and sorry bout the pics. They are very blurry...Tara doesn't have the best camera! :P But...you'll get the idea from them! :)
-Danielle
5 comments:
Hi Danielle,
No, your post wasn't boring. Thank you for sharing the pictures and about the day.
It was just great meeting you last month! Speaking of birthdays, you and Ryan have the same birthdates, so yours will be very easy for me to remember! :-)
Love,
Kristen
I lost my dad 18 years ago this month to brain cancer. I wept while reading your blog because it brought back so many memories. I still miss him so very much, but the good memories get me through the days when I think I can't bear it any longer. It doens't hurt any less. I share your sorrow and loss and I know that God will strengthen you. I have never me you, but I love you.
A fellow struggler
Thank you for the comments... "A fellow struggler", Thank you for sharing that with me. So, the pain really never leaves, I assume.
Dear Danielle:
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I am so sorry you lost your Mom and I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. My prayers are with you.
I have attached another story that I hope will bring you comfort in some mysterious way. This story is about a lady named Kim who lost her husband and son in a car accident earlier this year.
Pastor Jerry Wells
It’s been 4 months and 17 days since the accident. I overcame a huge fear of mine today. I went to the graves for the first time today since the funeral. Shortly after the funeral I had no desire to go. I feared it. I just couldn’t bring myself to accept that my loved ones were in the ground at Resthaven Cemetery. I chose however to always try to make myself think they’re with God in his loving arms. I wasn’t always successful but that’s what I tried to do. It was a huge fear to me. I’ve thought about it for months. Although my X-therapist told me not to go for the first time alone, I chose to go alone!! I wanted to be alone with my husband and my son. I wanted to talk with them and sit with them and I did. I didn’t want to put on any front for anyone, so I had to be alone. I sat with them and raked the ground all smooth and talked to them and prayed really hard that God had given them comfort, peace, happiness and that he was taking good care of them. I felt God’s presence there. I didn’t feel alone. I just felt like laying on the ground beside them. I could have stayed all day. Although it was very draining and exhausting crying my heart out, it was healing and I can’t wait to go back. It was a huge obstacle for me. I felt their presence there. Now my next step is picking out a head stone. Yes, I haven’t done that either. We were waiting until I was ready. I also want to take my boys soon. Jace has a birthday cake he colored for Justin that he never got to give him for his birthday because he didn’t make it to his birthday. He wants to take it to the grave for Justin. I think it might be healing for him too. I don’t know about Josh. He probably won’t want to go. We’ll see.
I hear that my emails are helping people and my demeanor. I had a friend come up to me that had lost her mom from breast cancer. She’s having a really hard time coping. She told me that she sees me around school and town and that if I can get out of bed and face the day, then she can too. I told her that it’s God that gets me out of bed every day. Sometimes it’s hard to get up. My bed is my safe place. When I’m asleep, things don’t hurt so bad. It’s kinda soothing in bed. It’s hard to explain. I can understand why some people can’t get up at all. I get up for my boys. My boys and God give me strength.
Don’t assume that you have all the time in the world to live for God.
Ask yourself these questions:
How will people feel when you die?
Will they be sad?
Will they miss you?
Did it matter that you lived?
Do you want to be remembered by your kindness?
Your compassion?
Your generosity of time?
The Testimony you freely shared to bring others to Christ?
This Update is my testimony. I’m here to tell you that it is God, not me, that keep me going every day. It’s his strength! Not mine. God has put angels on earth all around me to help me. My mom and dad are two of my biggest angels on earth. My friends who take care of me and really hurt for me and are there for me. Then there are those two precious angels in heaven who watch over the boys and I.
Right after the accident, all of Jace’s drawings had rain in them. If it was a house, it was raining, a car, it was raining. I took that as a sign of sadness. Then he started drawing houses with everyone’s bedrooms in it. Everyone was in their bedroom. Him and Justin were in their bedroom in one bed, Josh was in his room, and me and Daddy were in our room. He drew that for awhile as if nothing ever changed. Also, at church one day, they had to list three people they were going to be kind to this week. Jace listed two friends and his daddy. I don’t understand. Maybe that’s his way of coping to pretend they’re still there. Maybe it soothes the pain for him. I’m so glad he remembers them so much though. Now, I’m happy to report that his drawings have a lot of snow and sunshine in them. I take that as a good sign.
Speaking of signs, when I was at the graves today, I was sitting on the ground beside my boys and a bunny scampered up to me. It was amazing. I was still and just watched him. I took that as a sign. Jace and I watch for signs often. One night there was an amazing sunset. Jace and I were taking the trash up to the curb when we saw it. We sat down at the top of our driveway and looked at it. The moon was orange and the clouds and sky were a beautiful purplish blue color. Jace said, “do you think daddy and Justin are watching us now”? I said, “yes I do”. He always remembers his daddy and bubba. After I put the boys to bed and they were asleep, I went back up to the top of the driveway and sat and continued to watch the sky. (I took my great dane with me for safety) I just sat there and talked to God, Michael and Justin.
Live so that you won’t need tomorrow to correct the mistakes of today.
Things that once seemed of great importance no longer pull me as they once did. I don’t have to have the latest fashion in clothes or cars. Many things that seemed extremely important before, seem irrelevant now.
Life won’t ever be perfect…. That’s reserved for heaven.
I had no idea this update would turn into a witness for Christ. I just first started it with family and close friends because when people called to check on me, I was usually too upset to talk on the phone. Thus the Tiderman Updates. I got so much positive feedback, that I kept doing it and my email list has grown and grown. I get a lot of this information from books I read, including the Bible of course. In return, my letters have been very therapeutic for me too. While I see my weaknesses- what I couldn’t do- others see my strengths.
We struggle through our pain to survive. During our worst times, our immediate goal is to make it. The power of the witness comes later. We have no idea how our lives touch others. So we must take everything, good or bad, and use it for his Glory.
I guess I’ll end for now. I never intend for these to be so long.
Blessings to all,
Kim Tiderman
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From: Danielle [mailto:noreply-comment@blogger.com]
Sent: Monday, October 08, 2007 8:03 PM
To: jerrywells@westernhillschurch.com
Subject: [Debbie Wells Family Updates] New comment on This Part Of The Journey-Crying Out.
Danielle has left a new comment on your post "This Part Of The Journey-Crying Out":
Mr. Wells,
I feel like I am going through the exact thing you talked about. Everything you wrote, is how I feel. I've never seen someone be So exact about it. Thank you, for sharing that.
I've wondered many times, if the pain would ever leave, will I ever feel like a complete person? Will I ever stop missing my Mom, I just wanted the hurt to go away. It hurts so bad. And I can see, you are hurting too. I have been so blessed by the sermon notes I am getting that you have wrote. Thank you for everything, encouragement you have given me, without even knowing. Praise the Lord!
About your daughter going to the grave site. That made me think a lot. My Mom has been gone for 9 months now, and I have not been able to visit the grave. I'm afraid it will be way too hard. I am not sure I am ready for it. Maybe I should reconsider though?
Thank you,
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Posted by Danielle to Debbie Wells Family Updates at 8:03 PM
well done on your movie!
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