Wednesday, August 13, 2008


August 14th, 2006...just a normal day I'm sure for most of you. Some at school or work, some of you on vacation, some of you at home just going about normal things, but not me. That was the day I heard the news that has changed my life forever. We were at St. Joseph's Hospital when the doctor walked in and confirmed that the masses in my Mom's brain were cancerous and that she had only one year left to live. I can't even begin to write to explain the reaction that came to hearing this. I was sitting on the hospital bed with my Mom and immediately she started to cry and I started to scream. I felt like I was in a movie, it didn't seem real to me. How could MY Mom have cancer and die? That night is pretty much a blur to me, except I remember screaming, "You can't die, you can't leave me!" And then leaving to go home that night about killed me. Although I knew she'd be okay, it almost felt like I was losing her then. I went home after that and journaled right away, knowing this would be one of the hardest days of my life.
Here are a few entries from before being diagnosed to the day she was.

August 9th
Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for the day you gave me. It was pretty much a day of rest. Thank you mostly for giving me joy. God, please heal Mom of her headaches. Let her never have another one and I will tell her it was from prayers. Please God, give me many more years with my Mom. Help her to be in healthy condition. Thank you for blessing me with a great family.

Love, Danielle

August 12th

Dear God,

Thank you for this day and for introducing us to the Crains. Please God, help Mrs. Crain, give her wisdom to know how to make wise decision with her family. Thank you for having Rebecca talk to us. She is such a sweet girl. Bless her also. Help the rest of the Crain children to cope with their father's loss. Please God, help Mom with her communication problems. Please don't let anything be wrong. I dcouldn't make it without her, well, it would be very hard. Help her to not feel stupid when it happens and help her to have no pain. Give her peace.
Love, Danielle

August 13th
Dear Lord,

Oh what a day I've had. I didn't even imagine it would be this hard to find out about Mom. Please God, watch over Mom and protect her. Heal her of the mass in her brain. Make a miracle happen God. Help me to stay strong through all of this and be an example to Mandy. Give Mom, David and all of us good rest tonight. Thank you for all my family. For us all being able to pull together and be with Mom through this time. You know God how much I love her. Maybe this is a result for me asking you to help me trust fully in you. Help me to honor you through all of this.
Love, Danielle

August 14th
Dear God,
I think this is the second hardest day of my life. The hardest will be when Mom's day comes. Please Lord, work a miracle. Heal her of the cancer. Oh please God, give me strength Lord to be strong through this and to totally trust you for every breath. Please God, heal my Mom, let her live a long time. Give us all peace about this and continue to give my Mom peace. God, help me to be the Mom that Mom is. Let me live up to be in her shoes Have mercy on my Mom. Thank you for my family and for bringing us all together. Heal all of our pain and rescue us from this turmoil. Please give my Mom longer. I need her, we all need her. Give us all good rest tonight and bless the rest of the time I have with my Mom. Make every moment honoring to you.
Love, Danielle

Well now being two years since Mom was diagnosed, so SO much has changed. I live somewhere new, have jobs, new friends, new brother, new interests, new standards. Part of that scares me, because I feel like life should have stayed the same, it was the way it was when she was here, it was familiar...but it needed to change. Not too long ago I was scared and worried that my Mom would be displeased with how my life is now and since then the Lord has really been drawing my heart completely to Him. I know that I wont ever be able to mimic the relationship that my Mom had with jesus, but I pray that my heart is a little closer than it was to being like hers...fully devoted to Him. My Mom is my role model and always will be. No one in this world will ever seem to compare, I just wish so much she was back here with me. It feels like she was the only one to truly love me, and I miss that, complete unconditional, genuine love. I took that for granted before August 14th, 2006, but now I realize it. And as bad as I want my Mom back, I KNOW she's in a better place. She lived her life in hopes of "going home"soon. She looked to that reward daily and just couldn't wait to see Jesus in glory! So it's not that I cry because of her, but for me...I'm selfish, I want her, I NEED HER! But God is in control of everything and since He took her home, I can only believe it was His plan, His timing, and HIS WILL and that he has reasons. Reason I may not understand, but reasons nonetheless.

Last year on this day I wrote a blog post all about my "well" Mom, since you may not have seen it, I'll post some of it here. Maybe you'll get a glimpse at how amazing she was!

"Growing up, my Mom had to raise us 4 kids, pretty much on her own. She did it so selflessly too. She spent her time going to school and working to provide us with an education and life that she thought would please us. We weren't the richest, or most organized, but we were definitely a family and I loved it! Not until recently did I realize how much she did for us...and how much she gave up for us...for us to be happy and to be like the other kids...even when our checkbook didn't want to permit it!

Then my Mom had the greatest joy of her life...or so she told me....she married David and got to stay home with Mandy and me and
home school us! She taught me something that was so valuable...She did more college than most people and had SO many different jobs but her true joy and contentment came from being home with her kids and being a loving wife. Right before my Mom got sick...I was struggling with wanting to go to college...I cried almost everyday, finding myself, longing to go away to school...when I expressed this to my Mom, her heart went out...she couldn't stress to me enough, that this world has nothing to offer us. My flesh wants to go away, but was that what God wanted for me? She went that route and found her joy coming from being home. I'll tell you the first it was hard for me, but now I can say 100% that I have NO desire to go to school...I have the desire my Mom had...and I know that my contentment will come through that. This was one major lesson my Mom taught me.
When we were being interviewed for our movie, the reporter was asking what my Mom was like, and what she liked to do...the question stumped was quite embarrassing...I'm not sure if we were caught off guard or just at loss for words...but now I can come up with plenty! My Mom was a joy to be around. She would light up a room wherever she went. She was open and honest with everyone...she shared her heart and hoped others would be encouraged with what she had to say. She was smart, talented, beautiful, loving, caring, and funny! When we would go grocery shopping she would dance down the aisles sometimes...she knew it embarrassed me SO much...but she knew it would get me to laugh also. :) She had a way of getting me out of my rotten moods...I miss that...I miss everything about her. Also, my Mom had a heart for the Lord that was like no matter what the cost...she served the Lord. Oh....I can barely even write this...Umm... it amazed me how she could submit so easily and change if she knew that was what God wanted..and I know it must not have been easy, but she knew she had to make it look easy, for us to follow...she was our role model, and if she behaved that way, we had a better chance of doing that... My Mom's faith was great too...after she got diagnosed, maybe 3 days later, we were sitting in her hospital room and I had been pretty upset...and she looked at me and said, "Danielle, what if God has to take me, to save your Dad? Is it worth it?" I couldn't bare it...I said No! I wanted her! My Dad could be saved some other way....I know it was selfish and wrong of me, but my Mom was EVERYTHING to me, my life. But she loved the Lord so much and trusted Him, she knew He had a plan, if he were to take her. She did know that much........ I could go on and on I'm sure about my Mom, but I think it's just getting me more and more upset...maybe I shouldn't have done this....I pray that through this post you will be encouraged by my Mom's testimony. The life she lived was one for Jesus and now she is living with Him. It breaks my heart knowing that, but also I can rejoice because soon I'll be there with day! And I'm sorry for all of you who never knew my Mom, I wish you could have and I pray that through this blog you will learn a little about her and see her love for the Lord!"

Oh, I miss you So much Mom and I will love you forever!

Love, Danielle


Anonymous said...

You have definitely honored your mother by you words! She sounds like an amazing woman and I can't wait to meet her! Time is a funny thing. Certain days, the amount of days, a particular hour, each moment is so precious and they all hold such significance! Our God is good; and it is all in His Sovereign loving hands!
There is a quote from "Marriage to a Difficult Man: The Uncommon Union of Jonathan and Sarah Edwards" (a must read!) that has been extremely encouraging to me and I thought it might be to you also! To her children upon the death her beloved, Sarah said, "...What shall I say! A holy and good God has covered us with a dark cloud. O that we may kiss the rod and lay our hands upon our mouths! The Lord has done it. He has made me adore his goodness, that we had him so long. But my God lives; and he has my heart. O what a legacy my husband and your father has left us! We are given to God; and there I am and love to be..."
( : Praying for ya : )

Scottie Moser said...

Wow ... that was quite a post. Thank you for sharing, Danielle.

Lora said...

Hey, I think I was there that night that first picture was taken! Seems I helped make some juice w/ her juicer...