50 years....

Well I've just been sitting here....not sure what to write. I have tons of emotions going through me right now and SO much going on in my head. I try to not let these "dates" through the year get me upset, but I'm human and they do. The more I dwell on them though the worse it is. Tomorrow, October 2nd, my Mom would have been 50 years old. I remember when she turned 40 and my older sister tried planning a surprise party for her, which flopped and I just remember thinking.. by the time she is 50 I'll be old enough to give her a HUGE Surprise party! Then when my Mom was sick and we weren't able to celebrate her 48th very much I just kept telling myself, okay, when she turns 50 I'll have a HUGE party. Well tomorrow is that day, and my Mom isn't even there. She didn't make it to 50....That's hard for me. I know people who have been MARRIED 50 years, but my Mom couldn't even live 50 years. Doesn't seem fair.

Yesterday I had a really hard time with wanting my Mom here. I know several of you have lost someone close to you, a son, grandparent, friend...and it's never easy but losing my Mom feels like the hardest thing in the world. She left me at such a crucial time in my life I feel like. NOTHING has been easy since she died and it's like my anchor in life is gone. I just cried and cried last night talking to Tara, almost screaming because I wanted my Mom back so badly. I just want to wake up from this bad dream a
nd have her here. I'm learning such a hard lesson and wish there was an easier way. I'm realizing that God DOES have a plan for my life but it's so different than I'd ever have for myself. I'll be honest, it's almost like God's given me the plan for my life and I have to read it, but it's all in Chinese..I DONT GET IT! I wish so much the plan for my life could be easily laid out in front of me, but God doesn't do that. I KNOW He is faithful! Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." It's the trusting part that doesn't come easy with me. PLEASE PLEASE be praying for me with this. I need to trust him with my job situation, with understanding why he took my best friend- my Mom, and with my life. I'm so weak though and I believe I probably struggle more with this than anyone. :(

I know my Mom can't read my blog or know my thoughts, but I'm hoping God does a special favor and will at least let my Mom know that I love her more than anything and that I miss her. I can't wait to be in Heaven with her. Happy Birthday Mom!