Sharing...

Well, thanks for the comments, those of you who left them. I guess I need to make one thing kinda understood before I go into what I was going to write. I know I share a LOT of stuff on this blog but the truth is, this is not even half of what is going on with me. There are lots of private things or things that I don't want the world to know. So please know that I am using caution when writing on here. I have a few very select friends that I tell everything to and that are very wise to give me godly council. Anyway, so I hope that helps some of you to be assured that I'm not just blabbing everything that goes on with my life. :) I DO wish this was the extent of everything though! :)

So a few nights ago I was having a hard time just dealing with everything in life. Knowing I needed to trust God for everything in my life but also being scared of what might actually BE His plan for my life. With what's happened already in my life I basically felt like, "okay, I'm cursed, one bad thing after another with me" You'll be shocked that I'm even admitting this, but I had a VERY VERY hard time grasping the fact that this God who took my Mom, and put me in these other situations actually loves me! I'll be honest, I couldn't believe that. In my head I knew He did, ( "I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.") (Psalm 37:28, 1 John 4:9-11) Anyway, I mean I know His word, I know he "loves" us, but it was hard for me to actually in my heart to grasp this and believe it.

My friend was trying hard to get me to accept that yes, He does love me and that taking my Mom wasn't a punishment and that her death wasn't my fault. (which that's another issue, but we wont go into that!) :) So anyway, I got offline and just was laying in my bed praying. And then I was encouraged to try something new and to just lay there and listen to God. I tried to block everything else out of my mind and just to be still before God. I was expecting something great to happen, but really it was just a time for me to be still. So next morning I woke up feeling okay I guess, still lost in knowing what to actually think. So I got out my journal and started to write and all of a sudden the name Joseph pops into my head. I was thinking...oookay, why in the world am I thinking about Joseph?? (At this point I was writing in my journal about how can I accept God loves me?) So then it clicked!!!!!! :) I immediately started remembering about Joseph's life. God LOVED Joseph, it's very clear. But look at all the things Joseph went through. I can't imagine being sold into slavery and then being falsely accused and thrown into prison for so many years. Just all the things that Joseph, my troubles don't even compare. And I'm sure that in the midst of all these bad things happening, Joseph might have had a little doubt, wondering why God had forsaken him. When your in the middle of the situation it's hard to see that God has a purpose for what is happening. Looking at Joseph's life though it's very clear to me why those things had to happen to Joseph. It was all part of a bigger plan for his life. I want that for my life! I want to trust God now that He is in control and He IS a loving God and that everything that is happening to me now are just pieces to a big puzzle that will be completed soon. And that one day God will be glorified through my life and others will be able to say, "See, this is why her Mom had to die so young" or "This is why she had to have that job!" Just different things like that.

So, I know this is a small thing and very obvious to all of you, but I'm mainly just sharing to show you how God was so faithful to me in that desperate time of needing answers. :) I know there are many examples in scripture that are like this, but God chose to you Joseph at that time with me. :) I'm so greatful to Him for that. A sudden joy came over me when realizing that I do have a Savior that loves me deeply and has a love for me that I don't deserve at all.

Well that was it.....pretty much everything I was wanting to share. Hopefully it can be somewhat encouraging to you guys. Maybe scary to some that I was even thinking these things... :( Thanks be to God though that I am out of that pit now! :)