Merry Christmas Mom....

Well, todays the day, the day that tons of people have been waiting for and looking forward to, the one day in year, where it's like all your problems disappear and you can smile and seem like a happy family. At least I thought we could. But even if we wear a smile on our face, our heart shows we are hurting, or at least I AM hurting. I tried So hard today, to not even think about my Mom to just concentrate on other things but I just cant. As I was laying on my bed and writing in my journal, my memories slipped back to last Christmas. When I thought it would be the worse Christmas of my life. Little did I know that just one short year later, I would be in a totally new house, with new people and not my Mom. I would never have thought that. And to think that I'd be going through the things I am and being faced with the sorts of things I am. It was just unfathomable then. I liked it better then.....

As I am typing this, I have my Mom's quilt laying over me and I can glance down and see all the encouraging blocks others did. There's one right here that says, "Bless the Lord...who healeth all they diseases. Ps. 103:2,3" and others saying, "Consider the lilies of the field", "I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands Isaiah 49:16", another saying "Born Again to a Living Hope" (which was where we got our Production Company name from) and then there is mine.

It's hard for me to think about last Christmas. It was right around that time when the Doctor was first telling us about hospice. I was almost yelling at him I was so upset. I did NOT want my Mom on hospice, to me it was almost like giving up. And so in our meeting with him, I asked him if anyone had ever come out of Hospice and he said no. Then I immediately said, "okay, let's do it then, because my Mom ALWAYS beats the odds...she WILL live!" I feel so foolish now for even thinking like this. I wonder how many other things in my life are there that I am SO confident about and really the Lord has other plans for me. I honestly dont even like thinking about it, it's scary. The Lord said He would not give us more than we can handle, but I'm telling you, lately it sure feels like I am at my limit. I feel like I cant take any more.

For Christmas, my Dad and Angie got my sister and I a heart shaped locket. They are very pretty and each engraved with our initial. And then today we each put a picture of my Mom in it. She'll always be close to my heart now. It was a very special gift, something I'll remember forever. In about an hour we have to go to my Grandparents house. I am usually very excited about this, but once again I am afraid about the memories this time. Last Christmas, we were at the hospital with my Mom. And then around 1:00 my Dad picked us up from there and took up to our grandparents. The plan was to stay there then spend the time with him. Well, at my grandparents house, I just went in the back bedroom and layed on the bed there and cried, the WHOLE time. It was so bad. For some reason, that night I had this fear that, what if she passed away, and I would be gone. Christmas Day was like the first time I had left my Mom since she was sick. So it was very hard for me. My brother ended up finding me in the room crying and went to get my Dad. He came back and talked to me some and he could tell I missed my Mom so much. So I got to call and talk to David, since my Mom was unable to talk by this time. And after talking to David, my Dad decided he would just take me back to the Hospital so I could be with her. Oh how I wish to go back to that night....just to be with her. I'm sorry I just cant even explain it. I better just stop writing I am in hysterics right now.

"Unto thee, O Lord, do I lift up my soul. O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me. Yea, let none that wait on thee be ashamed: let them be ashamed which transgress without cause. Shew me thy ways, O Lord; teach me thy paths. Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day." Psalm 25:1-5

Cant sleep...

It's been a long time since I've been at this point where I am so tired but still even laying in bed cant get myself to fall asleep. I keep reliving what happened today over and over in my head.

And one of the saddest things for me right now is, as I was laying in bed, aching all over, I tried to remember my Mom. And was thinking, what she would do in this situation. How she would just hold me and cry with me and tell me everything would be okay, but the memory was so faded. ;( I dont want to forget my Mom. But as I try to remember back it's very hard for me to even remember certain things now. I cant even picture what she would do. I have my hopes of what would happen, but I tried visualizing it and nothing came. That got me so upset. I NEVER want to forget her and I am afraid that slowly I will.

I can remember her laugh and can picture her crying, but for some reason it is hard to picture us together. Which I hate. When I DO remember back to her and think of her smile and the way she would just hug me and share her dreams for my life it devastates me. To think I'll never see her face again. Never hear her laugh, never be held by her, it's So hard.

I'm going to be very honest with you all. Today in my accident I was hoping I would have just died. It feels like it would have been easier. Then I could have been with my Mom. But just like my Mom, I would have left those I love. A friend pointed that out to me. (I am not saying I am of ANY importance) but.... it would still be hard for my siblings to lose a Mom and then a sister. I couldnt imagine if anything were to happen to Mandy or Tara. So, I am very thankful to the Lord for being gracious to me there and for protecting Lane.

It will have almost been one year since my Mom died. I thought I was doing good with handling everthing, but I'm afriad I covered up all I was feeling with staying busy. I didnt want to think about my Mom or the fact that she wasnt here. But I knew it would catch up with me sooner or later. And now with only 4 days till Christmas, it's finally hit me and I realize the most important person in my life will be gone this Christmas and I'm going to have to bear it anyway and try to keep a smile on my face. AND, a day or so after Christmas I am planning on going to my Mom's grave. I have never been and am very scared. But I need to do this. I know I've said this before and I chickened out..but hopefully this time I'll be able to.

Life is a precious thing, dont ever take it for granted!

Family: The Priceless Gift

I am pleased to announce Living Hope Productions FIRST documentary short! Mandy and I have been participating in video contests on christianmediaforums.com and for this weeks contest it was "Christmas Traditions" documentary style! :) Mandy and I were very skeptical to even join in, because this is our first Christmas living with my Dad and actually feeling like a part of his family. So, we had no traditions, we started clean this year. Well, after receiving GREAT NEWS we decided to join in and try our best at making a documentary! We have spent the last week filming and doing interviews and then the last 2 days I have been SOOOO busy editing! But now, it is done! I hope you enjoy it!

His plans are not my plans

...That's what I learned from my entire Mexico trip! Even though, us as humans have what our lives should be, it's like the Lord has far different plans in store for us. At least that is how my life seem to keep turning out. It's very hard for me and scary, but I understand how necessary it is to completely yield my plans to Him and fully trust in Him for every step of my life. If that be to Mexico or here in Missouri.

As most of you know, I was very nervous about this trip. I had been praying for God to shut the door and to not let me go, because I didnt know if it was His will or something He would have for me to do, but He didnt. He wanted me to go. I left on Tuesday with my Great Uncle and cousins down to Oklahoma. We drove 10 hours to Ada, OK. We stayed in Ada, with one of the nicest couples, Garry and Sandy Curry. They had a beautiful home and were very hospitable. Then on Wednesday night after church we left for Mexico! We met up with the other 2 churches going and loaded into the vans. We took 3 15 passanger vans and 3 trailers. I guess we pulled out of Ada, around 9:00 pm and around 10:00 am Thursday morning, we were in Eagle Pass, TX getting ready to cross over! The drive wasnt TOO bad. I expected to sleep the whole way and to be very comfortable, well...that didnt happen. My plans had a wrench thrown in them when I got positioned in the middle of the seat in the back row! :o I thought to myself, "How in the WORLD am I going to sleep like this?" I barely knew the people sitting next to me, so there was no way I would lean over on them! Needless to say, I did start to fall asleep and I guess my head started to slump over, so my VERY kind uncle held up my head for me! He is so sweet. I had no clue he was doing it, because I was asleep. But he told me after I woke up that he thought I looked uncomfortable so he just put his hand underneath my pillow to help hold up my head. And he did that for 2 hours! So nice of him! :) Oh, that was the other thing. We stopped EVERY 2 hours! I guess with that many people there was always someone who had to stop. It made it pretty impossible to get any real good sleep though. I shouldnt be complaining though, the drive was COMPLETELY worth it! And I did end up getting to sit next to the window. Garry noticed how uncomfortable I was and offered to switch me seat! He is also very kind! (1st pic. Garry, Me, Lindsey, and Sherri....2nd- Me, Lindsey, Sherri)

Crossing the border in Eagle Pass and crossing in Tijuana are two totally different things. I was expecting them to be very similar but I was shocked. It was very easy to cross in Eagle Pass. They didnt even stop us. I realized that this part of the country I was in was very different also from Rosarito. I guess it would be like comparing New York City to Winfield, Missouri. :) So different.
(The view from our motel)

We ended up arriving at our motel in Cuatro Cienegas around 7:00 Thursday night. It was another long drive once we crossed the border, that's why we got in so late. After getting to our rooms we immediately went to eat. We had been snacking on chips and energy bars and things the whole day so we all looked forward to a real meal! :) There was a restaurant right there attached to the motel so that was nice. Now, when I say restaurant, I dont at all mean something that you would find in the states. It's more like a kitchen you would find in somebodys home, and and a large dining room with a few tables. For us, we actually entered the restaurant THROUGH the kitchen with just a sceen door! ;) I loved it! After having a delicious meal of tacos I was able to help the ladies in the kitchen with dishes! At first they refused me, but with much persistance I was able to help! I really didnt have any friends by this time on the trip, so I saw this as an opportunity to spend time with the ladies and hopefully minister to them. I was scared though, because I wasnt sure how much Spanish I would remember and they spoke NO english! The Lord was so good though! He brought back almost all my spanish! He provided it just when I needed it was truly a blessing to be able to communicate with them!

After doing dishes and cleaning up, a few of us girls and Rosa's (the owner of the restaurant) grandaughters played outside with us. We made up our own little game of hot potato! We had so much fun! There were 3 girls, Gina (5) Jesse (11) and Yaheida (15) One of the missionaries later that night overheard Yaheida telling her grandma that she wanted to go to the village with me the next day. And so this man, came to me and said I had found favor with her and to invite her to come! I was very excited. She was an instant friend to me and I really looked forward to spending the day with her. Like I said, I really had no one else! So, I invited her and she accepted right away! :) (Liz, Gina, Jennifer, Yaheida, Jesse, and Me)

On Friday morning I got up really early so I could be ready to go by 6:00. I told the ladies the night before that I wanted to help make breakfast and they actually let me. So by 6:30 (Rosa was late) ;) I was down in the kitchen helping cook. She had me crack like 4 or 5 dozen eggs, the only thing was, they were like REALLY fresh or REALLY old because they shell was SO thin. It broke so easily so I pretty much made a mess. I cracked one all over the table--I tried hiding it from her! ;) And then the others I just dropped lots of shells in! :( Dont worry, I picked almost ALL of them out! ;) :P No really, I think it was fine! I kept telling Rosa, "Mucho Fresca" Not sure if that is correct Spanish, but I was hoping that meant, VERY FRESH! :)
(Our group, the 15 I got most close too!)

After cleaning up from breakfast we were on our way to El Cicorro. It was a village pretty far away. Northeast of where we were staying. It was a 3 hour drive from the motel. One hour of it was like really bad roads you would find in Missouri or Oklahoma and then the other 2 hours was like REALLY REALLY bad. The fastest we could go was 10 miles an hour because the pot holes were so large. We were afraid of popping a tire, but if we did there was no civilization for the 2 hours we were driving so that would be a LONG walk! Constantly heads would be hitting the top of the van and we would be bouncing back and forth. Having Yaheida along made it very enjoyable for me though. I practiced lots of Spanish and just got to know her! Driving to El Cicorro seemed like the road would never end. When you looked out you would just see desert on either side and then moutains ahead of you with a long road leading to it, but the road looked like it never ended. Then we would make a turn and the same view would be ahead of us!

Arriving in the village was very different. It was like I got out of the van and stepped into the old west 100 years ago. It was something you would see in movies but not in real life I thought. I didnt see anyone and the whole town was silent. They split us up..there were only 15 of us at this village. The others went to different cities. So, about 4 were in my group to go to the different houses yelling "Bueno Dias" I was thankful to have Yaheida in my group because she boldly went to the doors of the homes and knocked and spoke to the people. She would let them know that we had gifts and dispenses for the families and children. And she told them to come to the van to receive them and talk with us. We probably walked around for about 30 min. inviting several familes and individuals. Many of the men were in the fields working or toward the back of the town working on gettin the running water working. It was VERY neat though, because by the time we got back to the van, it was so encouraging to see, all those people we had knocked on their doors there at the van enjoying everyones company! I couldnt help but smile seeing everyone. They had already gotten out many toys and balls for the kids and were playing with them. We found out that in the whole village there were only 30 people and only 8 kids!!!! We were shocked! We had a great time with them though. We gave them lots of clothes and shoes and medicine and bags of toilet paper, rice, flour, veggies, and just everyday things. And then, one man from our group spoke about being born again. He went into detail what Jesus Christ did for all of us and emphasised that Jesus died for EVERYONE! All of us have sin and need him! I saw a few people crying as he spoke and Joe, our missionary guy, translated. Then afterwards, they had a time of prayer for those who had specific requests. The men went forward to lay hands and pray for healing for one man. It was very neat. Then we handed out the Spanish bibles and everyone was asking for them. It was sad though we ended up running out of them. And one guy came up and asked for 3 more for his friends and I didnt have any. But, I did have the New Testament in spanish and he was just as happy with that! We also had some Ray Comfort tracks in spanish. I think it was a very significant trip! We found out, no one visits the village we went to. We are it. No one goes that far. They all wanted to know when we would be back. We couldnt promise them anything, but we did say we would be praying for them and would pray about it.
(The bags we handed out to each person in El Cicorro)

After returning to the motel and restaurant we ate dinner and then had a time for sharing. I was encouraged hearing about everyones experiences. One village that they went to had 150 children PLUS tons of adults! It was a great time. There were about 9 that shared their testimonies.

Friday night after sharing, I ended up talking with one of the missionaries, Chaun. I had heard that his wife homeschooled his children and others so I really was curious to why they homeschooled and wanted to tell him about my Mom and her decision to homeschool us and other kids. He ended up explaining that it was a conviction he and his wife had to homeschool and then the Lord provided the opportunity to homeschool others! This conversation led into MANY other topics, centered around my Mom and her death. We talked for about 2 hours and I cant even begin to explain how free I felt after talking to him. I had been taught that to ask God why, was pretty much a sin. To say, "Why God, did you take my Mom" would be wrong. And I have to be honest. There have been a few times where I just cried out to the Lord asking that and then feeling horrible for it later. I thought who am I to question God. But Chaun explained to me through scripture that it is not wrong. And maybe if I ask, he will be faithful to show me and explain why. Not on my time table of course, but maybe someday I will understand. He used the passage with Mary and Martha and Lazarus to explain. I wish I had all night to write out everything he said, but unfortunately I dont. One thing he DID say was this. That when his youngest daughter was a baby she had a hard time sitting up. She could, she was strong enough, big enough, but she didnt know she needed to. Everytime he tried to let her go, she would fall back and he was right there to catch her. There was no need for her to learn. He then one day decided that she needed to learn and he had to let her fall. He cleared everything out of the way and made sure she wouldnt REALLY get hurt and he sat her up and then let her go and of course she fell right back and hit her head. Instantly she started crying and he said he felt very bad for her but he knew it's what he had to do. And he then picked her up and just held her. He comforted her and held her till she stopped crying. Then, he tried again, and guess what! She sat up! She learned that quickly. So he said, just like with his daughter, God is like that with us. He hates to have to see us "fall" but when he knows we will learn from it and he is right there to pick us up and to comfort us.

Saturday morning was very hard for me. In only a day and a half, I had become very attached to these people. (The ones working in the kitchen and her grandaughters!) (Lala, Rosa, Me, and another nice lady) ;)

We ended up leaving so early I didnt get to say goodbye to Yaheida, which really upset me, but I did say goodbye to Rosa and couldnt hold back the tears. She was already like family and I knew I would miss her forever. Right before leaving, her son- Yaheida's father, gave me the offer to come back to Mexico and stay with them! He was also very nice. We were told that Mexicans at first are not very trusting. You have to earn that from them and break the barrier. And I think with these ladies through God I was able to. We were like kindred spirits. :)
(Yaheida, my sweet friend)

On the way home I had lots of good conversations with Garry and lots of the girls. I realized that my plans arent His plans and that I needed to be open to what God has for me to do. The whole group ended up stopping in the town right next to the border to have one last meal all together with the missionaries and their families. It was such a blessing to meet their wives and children. I sat next to Naomi, Chaun's wife, during lunch. I couldnt believe that she was so wise also. We talked about failure and how afraid I am of making the wrong choices in life. After we all ate they asked about 5 of us to stand up and share our testimonies and I was one of them. I was so scared. And mine was so different than everyone elses. They were all affected by the villages and I was just humbled by the whole experience. I explained to them how I had prayed for God to shut the door for this trip, but He just wouldnt do it. And then how I had planned out my whole life and a trip to Mexico was NOT involved in it. I went on to tell them that I was most encouraged by Rosa and her grandaughters. Just being able to minister to them through actions more than words and that hopefully my life could be a testimony to them and that they could see Christ in me. After everyone was done sharing and eating people were getting packed up to leave. I had about 30 minutes to spend getting to know Naomi's children. They were SO sweet. Joshua was 12, Sierra was 10 and Kelly was 8 maybe. : ) Joshua and Sierra were just too funny though! I hope one day I will be able to see them again! I exchanged email and skype contacts with their family and then Sierra and I decided to be penpals! ;)

I ended up arriving back home on Monday around 8:00 pm. I miss everyone I was with and am now praying hard to see what the Lord wants me to do. I'm not doing anything for now. Just waiting and praying. I have a lot on my mind and really cant go into detail about it right now, but I would really appreciate your prayers!

Well, I hope you enjoyed somewhat reading about my Mexico adventure! Soon I will do a post with just pictures from the trip, but I dont have them right now, only a select few!

"I Will Not Doubt"

Wow...that's so easy to say, but to do is a completely different thing. I find myself SO much doubting if things will ever work out for me. If my life will ever be normal again, or something that is desirable by God. And then a friend sent me this poem written by Annie Johnson Flint. This poem is what has been on my heart it seems like...

I will not doubt, though all my ships at sea

Come drifting home with broken masts and sails;

I will believe the Hand that never fails,

From seeming evil works to good for me.

And thought I weep because those sails are tattered,

Still will I cry, while my best hopes lie shattered,

"I trust in Thee."

I will not doubt, though all my prayers return

Unanswered from the still white realm above;

I will believe it is an all-wise Love

That has refused these things for which I yearn.

And though I cannot keep from grieving,

Yet the pure passion of my fixed believing,

Undimmed will burn.

I will not doubt, though sorrows fall like rain,

And troubles swarm like bees about a hive.

I will believe the heights for which I strive

Are only reached by anguish and by pain;

And though I groan and writhe beneath my crosses,

Yet will I see through my severest losses

The greater gain.

I will not doubt. Well anchored is this faith,

Like some staunch ship, my soul braves every gale;

So strong its courage that it will not fail

To face the mighty unknown sea of death.

Oh, may I cry, though body leaves the spirit,

"I do not doubt," so listening worlds may hear it,

With my last breath.

Screening in Oklahoma!

What an exciting weekend I had, as I was in Oklahoma for the screening of our movie "Dancing With Angels" along with 2 other movies, "Joel's Journey" and "Call of Courage" The evening was lots of fun, but for several different reasons full of tears as well! "Dancing With Angels" showed first and then there was a 30 minute intermission afterwards. The Naylor Family provided cookies and hot chocolate, coffee, tea, everything you can imagine was there! :)

Then after the break, "Joel's Journey" and "Call of Courage" showed. It was such a blessing to finally meet the entire Morris Family! In case you dont already know, "Joel's Journey" is a documentary on Mr. and Mrs. Morris' son, Joel. You can check out their blog at www.weloveyoujoel.blogspot.com (I guess I need to learn to just smile, otherwise, THIS happens)

It was great seeing friends again and meeting many new people! It's always hard though saying goodbye, not ever knowing when the next time will be to see them again! :( Hopefully soon though! :)

After the screening and cleaning up, a few of us went to downtown Oklahoma City to see fireworks! I guess it has been 100 years since OK became a state, so they celebrated by shooting fireworks off! It was So neat and very pretty! We all stood in the back of the pickup truck to watch them...such a great view!

Hope you all have a Blessed Thanksgiving!


Thanks to Caleb Burnett for the pictures! :)

Brain Cancer...please pray

Lately, I have been coming across many blogs of men and women, fathers and mothers, who have been diagnosed with brain cancer. Some just like my Mom, and others that have surgery as an option and not exactly a "death sentence" Either way, all of these people need prayers. I can honestly say that I hate cancer. I never thought I would feel so strongly for a disease, but this is one that makes me very upset. Tonight I came across the blog of Layne Daniel. Please check out his blog and pray for him and his family. http://laynedaniel.wordpress.com/

Thank you,
Danielle

Screening - November 16

This Friday evening, "Dancing with Angels," "Joel's Journey," and "The Call of Courage" will we be shown starting at 6:30 pm. Everyone is invited and admission is free.

Get directions here.

DANCING WITH ANGELS
In Dancing With Angels unexpected hardship strikes the Logan family, everyone’s strength and faith are put to the test. Will they be able to accept God’s will no matter the cost? Follow the endearing family of ten as they discover a greater love and find a new understanding of the ultimate sacrifice.

JOEL'S JOURNEY

Joel’s Journey is a heart touching story that follows the Morris family as their lives are changed by the greatest trial they have ever faced. Through challenges, opposition and rejection at the hospital the Morris’ continue to face each difficulty by standing on the word of God.

THE CALL OF COURAGE

The Call of Courage tells the gripping story of two young men fighting in the early battles of the civil war: Eddie Lee, a twelve year old drummer boy, and James McClay an officer in the Union Army. As the days pass they become as close as brothers. During the army’s march through Missouri both Eddie and James are faced with decisions that require all the courage they can muster. Their difficulties intensify until the battle of Wilson’s Creek erupts- throwing the two into the most intense moments of their life.

Feel free to bring family and friends and to pass this invitation along. Admission is free and refreshments will
be provided. For more info contact John Naylor by phone (405) 501-0496 or e-mail john@cmforums.org

"Homesick"

Well, I know I told you I would update, about how my visit went to the graveyard. Well, I didnt do it. I couldnt. After having two rough nights in a row. Mainly just missing my Mom, but also for some other reasons, I just wasnt sure I could handle it when Sunday came around. I know I shouldnt have this fear, but I do. I'm truly afriad to go back, just afraid to how I will react. The Hunt family said that they would take me sometime, and as soon as this coming Sunday. I am not sure I will be ready by then either, but I will see.

Well, today on my way to work I heard this song. I've heard it many times, but never thought about the lyrics or even cared for the song much at all. Today though, I listened very closely to the words, and this just seems to explain sort of, what is going on with me.

HOMESICK

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Hurting again...

Now that the holiday season is coming around, very vivid memories are racing my mind, and I cant seem to get my Mom out of my thoughts. But the thoughts of my Mom are of her when she was sick, very sick! Memories that I dont exactly want to remember anymore.

My Dad and I were discussing what we were going to be doing for Thanksgiving this year and thoughts of my last Thanksgiving meal came to mind. We had plans to be home JUST in time for Thanksgiving and to have it with some friends from church and of course family! :) Well, then my Mom got very sick and taken from MX to San Diego to be treated there. On Thanksgiving day my Mom was still "awake" but just sick. Having a very hard time breathing, low oxygen, fluid on her lungs and other problems on top of that. David, Mandy and I ended up just eating our Thanksgiving dinner at the hospital. I think I had a tray with a turkey sandwhich, mashed potatoes, a roll, and a piece of pumpkin pie...Very different from our traditional thanksgiving meal, but it didnt matter, we still had Mom. :(

Now this Thanksgiving, will be my first official one, without her. Not sure how it will be spent this year, I am hoping to do one with my Dad and family and then maybe some sort of lunch or something with my brother and sisters the day after. I want us still to be together!

Through all of this hurt, I have decided that I want to go back to my Mom's grave site. I havent been since the burial service and have been terrified to go back. I know my Mom isnt there anymore, but it still will be so difficult. But, I'm ready to face it. This month I have been alone a lot! Mandy is in OK and my Dad and family have been going out of town every weekend, so I'm left to myself to think a lot. And I think all of these memories are coming up because of that also. A friend of mine is taking me to the grave site on Sunday afternoon. I have to face this fear, and hopefully let a lot of hurt and heartache go.

I'll update you on Sunday....

Updates on Life...

As most of you know, the last few weeks for me have been pretty busy. :) I started working at a daycare/preschool part time in Troy. After the second day working, I started getting sick. And I am just now getting over it. 2 weeks ago, my voice started going out, and now today, it is finally ALMOST back to normal. I"m still coughing and I squeak every once in awhile, but it's ALMOST normal! :) ;) Besides getting sick and a few other reasons, I am loving my job. I really love the kids and look forward to seeing them each day. I should rephrase that though. I dont love my job, or love having a job, I love seeing the kids! :)

Then on Wednesday of last week, Mandy and I flew to San Antonio, Texas to visit with a friend of my Mom's and then go to the San Antonio Independent Christian Film Festival! :) It was such a great trip. The time we had with Robin was so great! We really enjoy her company and she brought back such good memories of my Mom. It was neat!

The Film Festival was wonderful! At first, meeting everyone was very umm...scary I guess, but after introductions were done, it was great being with everyone and finally putting a face with a name! I was able to see many films and sit through some very good lectures! Geoff Botkin gave a lecture on music and it was so good. I really wish I had heard all the information before doing "Dancing With Angels"

A friend of mine actually won a Jubilee Award at SAICFF also. "Joel's Journey" won Best Biblical Family award. ( reelcast.blogspot.com ) We were all very excited for him and the Morris Family.

After the weekend was over I had to fly home, but Mandy got to go home with the Naylor family and spend the next 3 weeks with them in Oklahoma!! Lucky girl! ;) I've talked to her each day and she seems to be really enjoying herself. I on the other hand, have been rather lonely. It's weird not having her here....nevermind that though, moving on! :P

Today I was able to buy my airline ticket to OKC on the 16th of November! Praise God because my funds are very limited, and I ended up finding a flight for very cheap, which I was not expecting! I am very excited about going there. There is going to be a screening in OK for "Call of Courage", "Joel's Journey", and "Dancing With Angels" Some friends that I met in San Antonio will be there, so I guess that is what I am most excited about, to see everyone! :)

Oh, I wanted everyone to know..... Lots of people have been asking me lately if I had another idea for a movie, or if I would be entering next year. Well, my answer to that right now is No. Filmmaking is not a buisness to me. I really enjoy it, but just like anything else we just enjoy, we shouldnt just go around and do all the time. I would be pleasing the flesh constantly if I did. And my goal is to not please myself, but to please and glorify God. The only reasons for making "Dancing With Angels" was for my Mom and for God. Not even exactly for God, but so the message could be heard. I believe it was God's will for us to make our film, I'm not sure if He wants us to make another one or not. I'm sure a lot of you are thinking I am being way too skeptical, but I've made a lot of mistakes in my life already, and I'm trying now, to make sure I do what He wants and right now I dont have a peace about just going and making films and becoming a serious filmmaker. (Even though it does sound great) Hope all of this makes some sense.

One thing I do have a peace about though, is a Mexico Missions Trip I will be going on, at the end of this month. I'll post more deatils about this when I know them! :)

(Sorry I have no pics, Mandy has the camera, so I'm unable to post any! :( )

If you didnt know already, "Dancing With Angels" is now for sale! www.dancingwithangelsthemovie.com

Trusting God

I had a conversation with a friend of mine last night and it has left me pretty much lost. It doesnt make sense that it did, but it did. So, I am trying to make sense of it in my head today and figuring out where God wants me.

Last night, my life was being compared to Josephs. Although, he had it much worse than I do. He was put in situations that could leave a person wondering, "Why, God", and the same goes for me. Why would God take my Mom? Why would God have me move to my Dad's house? Why would God have me get a job? All of these questions race through my head, but I'm left with no answer.

One thing I do know though, is that Joseph trusted God. Trusted that God had a plan for his life and that each event had to happen to work for God's plan! This is what I am missing. I wonder sometimes about my life and WISH that God would use all these unfortunate events in my life to do something amazing, but then I come back to reality and know it wont happen. I have no faith I guess that God can use me. And I'm still struggling with believing that God can use my life to impact someone else.

I was in a MAJOR slump this morning before going to work, not being sure of anything. My same friend asked me last night what I love to do. What I could do for hours and it only seem like minutes, and I couldnt answer. I dont know. I honestly have no clue how to answer that. So, while thinking about that and my whole trust issue, then wondering what a "real" friend is, oh my, just TONS of things going through my head, I ended up just going to my bible and looking up scriptures on trusting God and having faith.

Psalm 4:5 "Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, and put your TRUST in the Lord"
Psalm 56:11 "In God have I put my TRUST: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me"
Psalm 118:8 "It is better to TRUST in the Lord than to put confidence in man"
Psalm 146:5 "Happy is he that hath the God of Jacob for his help, whose HOPE is in the Lord his God"

Prov. 3:5 "TRUST in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding"

Micah 7:5a "TRUST ye not in a friend, put ye not confidence in a guide..."

Hab. 2:4b "The just shall live by FAITH"

Luke 17:5 "And the apostles said unto the Lord, Increase our FAITH"

1 Cor. 15:14 "And if Christ be not risen, then is our preaching vain, and your FAITH is also vain"

2 Cor. 1:9 "But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not TRUST in ourselves, but in God which raiseth from the dead"
2 Cor. 5:7 "For we walk by FAITH, not by sight"

Col. 2:5 "For though I be absent in the flesh, yet am I with you in the Spirit, joying and beholding your order, and the steadfastness of your FAITH in Christ"

2 Thess. 3:2 "And that we may be delivered from unreasonable and wicked men: for all men have not FAITH"

Heb. 2:13 "And again, I will put my TRUST in Him, and again behond I and the children which God hath given me"

James 1:6a "But let him ask in FAITH; nothing wavering.."

These are a few of the verses I found. It helped me a lot though to read these and to get out of the mess I was in this morning. Also, going to work and seeing the smiling faces of each child helped!!! :) ;) Please be praying that the Lord would open my eyes to what he wants for me, and for me to be content with where he has me, TRUSTING he has a plan for me! :)

~Danielle

How I spent the day...

As you all can probably imagine, I figured yesterday would have been awful for me. Wasn't sure how I'd get through the day or even want to do anything. And that's how it was in the morning. I struggled a lot. Had some pretty bad thoughts, and a lot of pain, but certain people were very encouraging to me and I thank God for them. :)

Our plan for the day was to go out to eat with my brother and sister and Joan, a friend of our families. ( Actually she was my Mom's best friend ) So and before doing that, Tara had the idea of buying a tree and planting it in memory of my Mom. So, that was the plan!!! :)

So Mandy and I really had nothing going on at home, so we decided to leave early. We had a few places we wanted to go and then thought of more as we were out. We went and visited my Mom's doctor. He is the nicest man. We wanted to just say Hi and tell him about our upcoming movie premiere. He knew that we had made a film and said he wanted to see it. Well, we loved seeing him. And he took us back into the kitchen area and just sat down to talk with us, it was so neat. Then from there we went to the Hospice place and sat and talked with our "social worker" for 30 min. probably. She will be coming to the premiere, along with some other Hospice employees. It was really neat to see them, and when we walked in, they all remembered us, and my Mom was only on Hospice a week.

So after making those stops and a few extra, we went to plant the tree. The school where Tara works said it would be fine to plant it there and they also said they would donate a memorial stone to put out by it. So....it was Tara, Mandy, Joan, Jason..which is Tara's boyfriend, and me all out there trying to dig this hole for our tulip tree. It HAD rained like the night before but the ground was still hard as ever! :( So, we all took turns trying to break the ground and dig this hole. After Tara tried, I decided to try jumping on the shovel! :) I did that a few times..still no hole. Then Tara held on to me and I stood up on the shovel and I jumped up and down SEVERAL times...still no hole. THEN, we had the brilliant idea to have Mandy jump on my back and THEN I jump up and down with Tara holding on to me...guess what! STILL no hole.
I couldn't believe it. Thankfully, Jason WAS with us, and he took over. Witithin 10 minutes probably he had the hole dug, and that's without jumping up and down or carrying someone on his back! ;)

So, then it was time for us to plant the tree. It ended up looking very nice. So, then it was time for our next thing. Mandy and I had bought a "thinking of you" card for my Mom for us all to write in. So, after writing my message in the card, and having just planted the tree, I lost it. I HATE having people see me cry too, so I just walked away and got in the van to be alone and thinking "hopefully" no one will see me. I just miss her SO much! So, we all went back to Tara's house, and we were going to let off the card then. We had also bought one Happy Birthday balloon to tie to the card and let go. Well...bad news! The card was too heavy and it just fell to the ground. :( I couldnt believe it. I tried ripping up part of the card, where we hadn't wrote to make it lighter, that didnt work. Then someone suggested tearing it, (like that was going to make it lighter) well, I tried, and once again, failed. SO...we then had a very ugly looking card, torn, and sort of shredded. :( We decided that we needed MORE balloons. :) So, everyone went to the restaurant to meet Kyle and Taryn there (brother and future sis in law) and Mandy and I went back to Deals to get 4 more balloons! :) By this time, it was getting dark, and ready to storm! :( So the wind was VERY strong and we knew the card would be taken off by the balloons. :) So when we got to the restaurant we called Tara and Kyle and had them come out. Joan also came to take some pics. :) We all held on to it then on the count of 3 we let it go and said "happy birthday" well...then I cried some more. Watching the balloons just drift away was hard. Kind of felt like letting HER go. I know it doesnt make sense, but it was HARD.

Well, having our waiter really lightened up the night for us. He was very...umm, just different, but very nice! He was lots of fun to all of us! And kept us laughing...a TON. Tara brought an ice cream cake for all of us and then after eating it, Joan had a gift for each of us. I couldn't believe it. She is SO thoughtful. She gave me an angel and she said I was the last to buy for because she knew she needed JUST the thing. The card that came tied around the angel said, "Though words alone can't ease you loss, Nor take away your pain; This Angel lays its gentle hand to comfort and sustain" I thought it was perfect! I hugged her and cried and she just whispered to me, "Danielle, you and Mandy are so fortunate, you got the best years with your Mom...Tara and Kyle missed out. She loved you SO much" That just made me cry even more. I was crying because of the gift, but also all the hurt came out again.

So although I did cry a lot, I think a lot of deep down hurt came out and I actually feel a little better! :) By the time we left the restaurant it was pouring out...I had parked around back too, so Mandy and I had to run in the drenching rain! :) But that's not the worst. From the restaurant, we had to get some things from Wal-Mart, so, by the time I parked... :), it was REALLY REALLY pouring outside. And we looked at each other and just decided to go for it! ..Oh, I wasn't parked close either! ;) So we did it. Mandy actually stopped and took off her sandals and RAN barefoot in the parking lot. Which sounds crazy but was a good idea, because I was slipping all over in my flip flops, they get slippery when they are wet! :) By the time we made it to the door, we were drenched. Everyone was staring at us and knew we were crazy for even trying to make it. Our hair was wet, umm...all of our clothes were wet, it was awful. All the staring we got and lots of questions from people..."Woah, you guys got REALLY wet" or there were some "Is it raining outside??" :D Umm... YES!!! :) It was a lot of fun though, besides being freezing cold it was a nice way to end our day! :) We thought of Mom's poor card though...for sure it's all wet and gross now. :(

So...that was my day! Exciting, huh??? Hope you all aren't too bored with reading about it. Oh, and sorry bout the pics. They are very blurry...Tara doesn't have the best camera! :P But...you'll get the idea from them! :)

-Danielle

"Happy Birthday Mom"

I've really been thinking a lot how my blog has sort of turned into some sad blog, instead of the hope I had before. And So, I was determined to do a "nice" post, but then, my mind started wondering again and my emotions started rolling...and well, now I have
this post. Tomorrow will be my Mom's birthday and the first one without her. It's going to be VERY hard. I decided to go back to the post that I made on my Mom's birthday last year. Here is what I said...

MRI and BIRTHDAY

Okay, I'm sorry it's been awhile since I have wrote anything. I've been waiting until today though, so I could let you know something about the MRI results. Well, I'm sorry to say this, but I still can't tell you very much. Just because, I don't know very much. I have what I think, but I could be 100% wrong. What is looks like to me is that the tumors have either stayed the same or shrunk, but the swelling is much greater. On the pictur e, almost half of her brain is taken up by gray, when the rest of the brain is black. So we aren't sure if that is the tumor or the swelling. We are really praying it is the swelling. It makes since it would be the swelling.

I had a long talk with David last night, and we both said that no matter what the results said, we wouldn't stop believing that God is going to heal my Mom. H e does what gets most glory to him, and through my finite brain, it seems that he would get so much glory this way. There are many friends of ours, that would almost mock us with somet hing were to happen to my Mom, because we didn't use traditional medicine. Also, things as far as custody of my sister and I would be such a disaster. I hope I never have to go through that. So, no matter what, as long as my Mom is still breathing, I will believe that God is going to heal her. Or, I am praying that I can always believe that. When things get tough it is hard to always think that way. I want to give up and lose hope, or run away from my problems, but that never changes anything. I have to rely on the Lord for my strength, and know that he will get me through it.

On a better note, my Mom's birthday was really good! I think she enjoyed it more than she would have thought she could. We had lots of visitors today and lots of cards and flowers showing up. It was so nice to see my Mom getting excited. She hasn't been so happy for a long time. Instead of going out to eat, like we do for b-days, we bought steaks and grilled them at home. The Lord blessed us with great weather today , in the upper 80's, maybe even the 90's. It was just a really good day.

Tomorrow, I get to look forward to laundry and packing, OH and cleaning and cooking. Those are a given though. :) I'm also looking forward to cutting my Mom's hair tomorrow. I cut mine tonight, but that was a first...and a last. I won't do that agai n. It 's too hard, I'll stick with other people's hair. Hopefully mine will grow out soon!

Thank you everyone who has been leaving comments on my blog and has been praying. May the Lord bless all of you!

Love, Danielle

______________________________________________________

As sick as my Mom was then, I wish I could go back to having her here, with cancer or without. That is so selfish of me I know, but my heart aches for her. At least then, I could tell her how much I love her and everything else she should know. I was told many times from people that, the 6 weeks mark is the hardest, or the 3 month mark, well to l et you all know, for me, its not getting ANY easier. Almost harder, and I dont understand why. Am I doing something wrong? I try to hide my pain a lot, but I'm afraid it still shows through. I dont th ink the hurt will ever leave.

I dont know what to write now...I feel as you know all of this, it's like I write the same things everytime. And I'm sorry about that. I just wonder why I am taking this SO hard for so long. Last week my sisters and I went to a wedding shower, and on the way Tara wanted to talk about Mom. I thought I would be fine, but I wasnt. I couldnt stop cry ing. So, I glared out the window trying to hold back tears so Mandy or Tara wouldnt see me. The thing is, I dont cry like, Oh I miss my Mom type of cry, it's like, I cant go on, type of cry. I think since my Mom died I've had this void in my life. A void that can only be filled by Jesus Christ. And maybe untill I do that, I'm gonna have this hurt. I am not sure. Even if the pain doesnt go away, I know that having Jesus fill that spot is what I need. I cant look for it in memories of my Mom, family, friends, or activities. Just HIM! Please pray for me as I try to do this.

Well... it will be her birthday tomorrow, so I was going to post a few pictures that were from her birthday 2 years ago. Before she was ever sick. When things were good, and we were all happy! I have to remember...I'll see her again! :(

Happy Birthday Mom! I love you and miss you very much!

-Danielle

HURT

I'm really struggling right now....I feel like I cant take it anymore. I want to run and forget about this life...about everything! I miss my Mom, so much! If only she was here, sometimes it doesn't feel real, it feels like she will be back here with me, but in reality, she wont! She never will be... and I have to live with that...but I'd rather not.

This is the day last year when my Mom was SO sick....right before we left for Mexico...she almost seemed like she was in a coma, it's sad to me, but that seems better than what I have now. At least she was there, and although she couldn't talk, she could hug me, and squeeze my hand. I dont have any of that now.

I just want this hurt to pass...I feel SO angry at the world...why does all this happen to me? But really there is no reason for it. God chose me to go through this, there HAS to be a plan, I just cant see it. And it hurts.....

August 14th...ITS BEEN ONE YEAR

As most of you know, it has been one year since my Mom was diagnosed with brain cancer. Thinking back, it almost seems like it was a long time ago, but then more and more memories come and it seems like it happened just yesterday. I almost wish it did just happen yesterday so I could spend more time with my Mom. But, I cant... I wanted to use this post to talk some about my Mom...before she got sick. I don't think I've really shared much about that...you all know abut our lives from the time my Mom got sick, and we seem like a pretty messed up family, but we weren't always like this...we were normal, or so I thought.


Growing up, my Mom had to raise us 4 kids, pretty much on her own. She did it so selflessly too. She spent her time going to school and working to provide us with an education and life that she thought would please us. We weren't the richest, or most organized, but we were definitely a family and I loved it! Not until recently did I realize how much she did for us...and how much she gave up for us...for us to be happy and to be like the other kids...even when our checkbook didn't want to permit it!





Then my Mom had the greatest joy of her life...or so she told me....she married David and got to stay home with Mandy and me and home school us! She taught me something that was so valuable...She did more college than most people and had SO many different jobs but her true joy and contentment came from being home with her kids and being a loving wife. Right before my Mom got sick...I was struggling with wanting to go to college...I cried almost everyday, finding myself, longing to go away to school...when I expressed this to my Mom, her heart went out...she couldn't stress to me enough, that this world has nothing to offer us. My flesh wants to go away, but was that what God wanted for me? She went that route and found her joy coming from being home. I'll tell you the truth...at first it was hard for me, but now I can say 100% that I have NO desire to go to school...I have the desire my Mom had...and I know that my contentment will come through that. This was one major lesson my Mom taught me.


When we were being interviewed for our movie, the reporter was asking what my Mom was like, and what she liked to do...the question stumped us..it was quite embarrassing...I'm not sure if we were caught off guard or just at loss for words...but now I can come up with plenty!


My Mom was a joy to be around. She would light up a room wherever she went. She was open and honest with everyone...she shared her heart and hoped others would be encouraged with what she had to say. She was smart, talented, beautiful, loving, caring, and funny! When we would go grocery shopping she would dance down the aisles sometimes...she knew it embarrassed me SO much...but she knew it would get me to laugh also. :) She had a way of getting me out of my rotten moods...I miss that...I miss everything about her.


Also, my Mom had a heart for the Lord that was like no other...no matter what the cost...she served the Lord. Oh....I can barely even write this...Umm... it amazed me how she could submit so easily and change if she knew that was what God wanted..and I know it must not have been easy, but she knew she had to make it look easy, for us to follow...she was our role model, and if she behaved that way, we had a better chance of doing that... My Mom's faith was great too...after she got diagnosed, maybe 3 days later, we were sitting in her hospital room and I had been pretty upset...and she looked at me and said, "Danielle, what if God has to take me, to save your Dad? Is it worth it?" I couldn't bare it...I said No! I wanted her! My Dad could be saved some other way....I know it was selfish and wrong of me, but my Mom was EVERYTHING to me, my life. But she loved the Lord so much and trusted Him, she knew He had a plan, if he were to take her. She did know that much........


I could go on and on I'm sure about my Mom, but I think it's just getting me more and more upset...maybe I shouldn't have done this....I pray that through this post you will be encouraged by my Mom's testimony. The life she lived was one for Jesus and now she is living with Him. It breaks my heart knowing that, but also I can rejoice because soon I'll be there with her...one day! And I'm sorry for all of you who never knew my Mom, I wish you could have and I pray that through this blog you will learn a little about her and see her love for the Lord!

I Love You Mom!